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Knowledge Bank January, 2003
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION: Dear Coaches:
SUZANNE ANSWERS: From one seasick wife to another; I completely get it. There is nothing worse then being in the middle of the ocean, sick, with no land in sight. As much as I'd like to accompany my husband on cruises, I don't. I believe that this is an area that you really have to take care of what you know works for you. It's not being selfish, it is really 'self'-care. I believe that you and your husband need more conversation on your discomfort on water and work out a negotiation that allows you to particpate in other mutual activities. I don't believe 'in being joined at the hip' in relationships. Having individual interests/passions is healthy and makes what you do together, even more special. It's important to know that we can't be all things to all people. Have a happy holiday 'on land' and a blessed New Year.
BARRY ANSWERS: As an avid sailor, I'm familiar with your problem and know many other couples that face it. Successful couples will find a win-win solution. Most likely you'll never love boating as much as your husband does, and he may have difficulty understanding why you don't. Ask your husband what having you join him on the boat means to him. Look for the deeper reason about why this is so important to him. Would you be willing to give up some of your beach reading time if he had a more compelling reason? An alternative to taking seasickness medication that worked wonders for a friend of mine is ginger capsules and a homeopathic remedy for motion sickness found at a health food store. Ask yourself if it's worth investigating a seasickness remedy to potentially remedy a much more important issue.
LIONEL ANSWERS: Your taking extra effort to make evenings special for your husband indicates to me that you are not being unreasonable. The fact is marriage is not a state of symbiosis. Couples are allowed to have varied interest. Perhaps he is feeling like the odd man out. Is it possible that he may have some deeper feelings about you not sharing his great love? The important thing here is to discuss what things will be shared and how often. If you do decide to go boating, you don't have to go every time. The bigger issue may center around whether taking motion sickness medication is worth the happiness your husband would feel if you accompanied him sometimes.
ALICE ANSWERS: Is doing everything together a requirement for your husband to be happy? Or, is there a possibility that this irritability may really be growing pains? Perhaps a yearning to love and appreciate each other in a much deeper and inwardly happy way is just waiting to be expressed. We all have virtues and strengths which when honored and appreciated give deep inner satisfaction. This broadens and builds a relationship. When not acknowledged, we experience frustration. Perhaps your husband's passion for boating is about his love of nature, loyalty to friends, his zest for life. Your reading brings perspective and a love of learning. What happens when your relationship has both? More balance, more flexibility, greater support and acceptance of each other? Try it, you might like it.
Authentic Happinessby Alice Vliestra, Ph.D. Over the last 30 years, a big change impacting relationships, has been a need to be 'happy.' With this, has come a new positive psychology that focuses on positive emotion, strengths, and virtue. But how does this lead to relationship success? Does it really lead to a good life? When one is going on a trip, one needs a map. A map gives a picture of where one is going and helps keep track of the progress that has been made. It provides a vision for the journey. In the same way, it is hard to experience relationship success without a vision to guide it. One way to envision success is to look at what you might do on one 'ideal' happy day. On an 'Ideal' happy day what would you and your partner most enjoy? Would it include buying things to feel happy, pampering yourself, and eating chocolates? Or, would it include moments of appreciating beauty, generosity, humor, teamwork, and participating with something bigger than yourselves? What about the obstacles? Would they be experienced as frustration or moments to use strengths and rise to the occasion? In the search for contentment, researchers have found that once basic needs are met, further health, wealth, good looks, and status contribute little to 'subjective well being.' 'Authentic Happiness' In contrast, Martin Seligman (2002) argues in his new book, 'Authentic Happiness,' that to be truly and authentically happy, one has to move beyond simple pleasure. In a truly happy day, life also needs to be productive, have meaning, and utilize our strengths. He explains, positive emotion without character leads to emptiness and depression. We want to feel we deserve the positive feelings. Beyond pleasure and how we feel lies 'gratification' -- the enduring fulfillment that comes from developing our strengths and putting them to use. Becoming our Best According to Seligman, we are gratified when we have opportunities to be our 'ideal self,' that is, the best of us, in small ways, in our daily life. Then we feel we are living up to the ideals that we hold most dear. Continuing to exercise strengths produces a deep inner satisfaction. When others see this as well, we feel validated and work harder not to disappoint others' faith in us (Seligman, 2002). He cites how this principle underlies one of the most astonishing discoveries in the research literature on romance. New couples frequently have 'romantic illusions.' They fixate on strengths and ignore obvious faults. These perceptions, however, often change over time. For example, what originally was seen as 'strong beliefs' can later be seen as stubbornness. It is often thought that the happiest couples avoid the romantic illusions, sparing them from false expectations. Dr. Sandra Murray found the opposite result. She had volunteers rate their romantic partners on various strengths and failings. Once the partner rated the person, Murray invited the person's friends to do the same ratings. Then Murray compared the discrepancy between what the partner believed as strengths and what the friends believed as strengths. The greater the discrepancy, the greater the illusion. In Murray's studies, the happiest couples were not the most realistic. Instead, the happiest couples were those that were the most positive. The larger the romantic illusion, the better the odds. Why? Seligman argues that the positive illusions challenged the couples to live up to their ideals and became self-fulfilling. They provided buffers against hassles and allowed for more forgiveness of small transgressions. While dramatically evidenced in couples, there is an underlying principle that applies to other relationships as well. We experience more happiness and joy by rising to the occasion, using our strengths, and bringing out the best of ourselves and others, than by continuing to focus on correcting weaknesses. So what makes for a truly great day? I'd say enough of life's pleasures to meet basic needs spiced with opportunities and support to bring out best of us. Reference: Seligman, M. Authentic Happiness: |
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