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Knowledge Bank February, 2003
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION: Dear Coaches:
MIKE ANSWERS: Hi Afraid, Why are any of us fanatics about anything? We each derive genuine (even sometimes unexplainable) deep pleasure from our passions. Romance happens to be one of hers (and 98% of other women of the species, I'd propose :) Each of us has our own unique "romance language," and frequently two partners have different "romance languages." The mistake is in assuming our partner "speaks" the same language we do. Ask her for examples of things SHE thinks are romantic. It may not be expensive trips. She may think you don't love her because she's "listening" on AM for your love and you're "transmitting" on FM. The challenge is finding and getting on our partner's "frequency." And it often is nowhere close to our own. For help with romantic ideas, check out the dozen or so books on romantic ideas written by Gregory Godek. There are lots of inexpensive and creative ideas in his bestseller,"1001 Ways to be Romantic." Count your blessings that you are fortunate enough to have a partner to be romantic with. It gets easier. Have fun on that romantic day. We all wanna hear how it goes. Mike McCartney SUZANNE ANSWERS: Dear Failing at Romance, I think that really sums up how you are looking at your relationship with your wife. I hear you trying to top each Valentine's Day with something more special and that is a very difficult task. Valentine's Day is about love and heart- feelings and perhaps a soft discussion about your feelings might be very effective. I believe that in a romance it's the small things on a daily basis that demonstrate how we feel. Are you both being attentive to the here and now? It would be great if YOU could give up the need to perform and make the day filled with sweet, easy, romantic doings. I bet the "being" would come more easily. Be gentle with yourself.
MARI ANSWERS: A really great book that explains the different ways we all like to give and receive love is "The Five Love Languages - How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman. The five languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. It sounds like you and your wife probably have quite different ways of expressing your love for one another. This book itself would make a nice gift for your wife and may open up a conversation between the two of you about what each of you needs. Also, how about suggesting to your wife that the two of you make "Valentine's Lists" - and write down all those things that would bring each of you joy. Make the list as extensive as possible, then exchange lists and it's up to you to pick out what you want to do/give this year. The lists can be used for Birthdays, Christmas and other special occasions too!
JANICE ANSWERS: Dear Afraid of Failing at Romance, If your wife is settling for what she considers a display of romance once a year, she is short-changing herself. You will have to convince her that romance is enjoyed best in small periodic doses, rather than one large time-released dose expected to last 365 days. There is no better year than 2003 to show your wife that she can have Valentine's Day in any and every month of the year. So this Valentine's Day, why don't you present her with 12 personalized coupons and tell her that she can redeem one a month. These coupons can include a get away weekend, a romantic dinner for two, a foot massage by you, and a picnic for two at a secluded spot in the park, just to name a few. If you and your wife find romance in experiencing the finer things, this will spread the costs throughout the year. But hopefully, you both realize that romance is not measured by the price tag of the gift or activity, but rather by the thoughtfulness, love and care that goes into it.
Where Did Our Love Go? by Linda A. Marshall
Never fear ... you are normal human beings. Our brain and nervous system are designed in such a way that this is our predictable, almost certain future. We want the stimulation and pleasure we felt during the time we were falling in love and the endorphins were coursing through our bodies to last forever. We crave reliable comfort and pleasure. However, for all of us, reliability eventually loses its allure. At first when we get the love we want, we experience exhilaration. After a period of regularly getting what we want, we come to expect it and that initial high begins to even out and plateau. Our challenge is to trick our neural system so that the sensation of getting the love we want is stimulated and kept alive in our partnership! Valentine's Day was probably created to provide such stimulation, but as several of our coaches have pointed out, it takes more than one "expected" day of the year to keep our love spiking. Love needs to be tended regularly. So, how do we do that? See section three for Suggestions to Keep Your Love Alive. Be creative and make these suggestions fit the two of you. Learn your partner's love language. Your predictable, almost certain future does not have to be your inevitable, unavoidable future! Have fun!! Suggestions For Keeping Your Love Alive Adapted from Caring Behaviors Exercise in "Getting the Love You Want" I. Giving The Gift Of Love
II. Putting The Zing Into Your LoveThe following suggestions are what will trick your neural system and keep your love spiking with exhiliration.
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