This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
Dear Coaches:
"I think it is important for a couple to be best friends. I confide in my wife to the nth degree. I tell her everything...good, bad, or indifferent. She knows my worst doubts, fears, quirks, and petty foibles. In my opinion, the beauty of our marriage is that there are no holds barred. A psychiatrist friend of mine tells me that this is a mistake. What do you think?
Just call me, 'Who's right?'"
BARRY ANSWERS:
Although your psychiatrist friend may have good intentions in telling you that what you are doing is a 'mistake,' I can't help but wonder how he comes to such a conclusion. Is it based on his clinical experience working with couples, from peer-reviewed clinical research, or is it his own judgment? Furthermore, how important is being 'right' in this case? In relationships,what's right for one couple is not right for another. I would be suspicious of anyone who tells you that creating a beautiful relationship, as you and your wife have, by confiding in each other and sharing all of yourself is a mistake. If it's important for you to know who's 'right,' by far the best person to ask, after yourself, is your wife!
MIKE ANSWERS:
I'd not label either of you right or wrong. A relationship is a commitment between two people who decide that their terms of commitment and goals for a relationship are compatible. Whereas one couple may prefer complete honesty and transparency in order to facilitate a deeper level of intimacy, another couple may want less transparency, more independence, and a relationship that delivers benefits other than deep intimacy. Each couple needs to determine what's important for them, then put in the work necessary to secure the rewards. Most of us 'relationship coaches' might personally prefer the terms that lead to greater and deeper intimacy, but that doesn't make another viewpoint 'wrong.' Just different. Choose your terms together and go for it ! (By the way, you sound like an especially 'evolved' male to be as transparent and vulnerable as you are ... we rarely learn that on Mars... congratulations!)
SALILA ANSWERS:
You feel that having the level of honesty you and your wife have is one of the gems of your relationship. I can understand that it is causing a doubt to arise in you when you hear that a 'mental health professional' is telling you not to be so self-disclosing. I would be very curious to hear why she or he told you that this is a 'mistake'. But, more importantly, I encourage you to refer to your own inner knowing to discover what's right for you. Have there really been any problems resulting from the honest way you and your wife relate? If not, celebrate the fact that the two of you have achieved a wonderful best friendship and keep on sharing!
See John Gottman's
'Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work'
The research is in. Happy marriages are based on deep friendship, says John Gottman, marital researcher. In fact, for 70% of men and women, the determining factor in whether they feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriages is the quality of their friendship. So, does this mean that you are right and your psychiatrist friend is wrong? Well maybe! Let's take a closer look.
In all of Gottman's findings, he emphasizes mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company. Even neurotic couples can make their marriage work if they are able to accommodate each other's strange side and handle it with respect, caring, and affection. All couples have negative feelings about each other. And, in the daily lives of happily married couples, their negative thoughts and feelings about each other do not overwhelm their positive ones. The couple manages their feelings rather than let their feelings manage them. This is called being emotionally intelligent. And the more emotionally intelligent a couple is, the better able they are to understand, honor, and respect each other and their marriage. And the more likely they will be to have a happy marriage. And the good news, emotional intelligence is a skill that can be taught!
Coaching Questions To Check Your Emotional Intelligence
by Linda A. Marshall
Director of Couples Programs
To this month's coaching client 'Who's right': All our coaches who responded to your question emphasized the need for you and your wife to decide what works for you. Gottman agrees. Every couples' style of relating is different. Couples do not necessarily have to have common interests. No one style of conflict is necessarily better than another. What is important is that the style works for both people. And what determines what works is the mutual respect and enjoyment of each other responding with respect, care, and affection on a daily basis.
As Barry said, '...ask yourself.and then ask your wife.' Some questions you may want to ask yourself and/or your wife include:
What response do I get when I tell her everything...good, bad, or indifferent, including my worst doubts, fears, quirks, and petty foibles?
Are my bad, indifferent, worst doubts and fears overwhelming the good? Does my wife ever express feeling overwhelmed?
Of what benefit is it to our relationship for me to share all of this?
Does my wife share all this with me? If so, am I able to listen with respect, care and affection? Do I feel overwhelmed? How does this sharing benefit me and our relationship?
Have I asked my wife how this works for her to hear everything...good, bad, or indifferent, including my worst doubts, fears, quirks, and petty foibles?
Have I listened to her response with respect, care, and affection? Have I allowed her response to influence me?
After talking all this over, you may have a better idea about whether or not to heed your friend's advice.
