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Knowledge Bank April 2003
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION: Dear Coaches:
The Coaches Respond: KEN ANSWERS: This is common in many relationships. When a couple stops bringing 'new logs to the fire', the passion dies down slowly and very subtly, and can, in the end, go out all together. Certainly an affair or a fling is an option, as is divorce. However, why not give one last really great shot? Have the conversation that two have not been having. Put all the cards (feelings, wants, needs, and desires) on the table. ...'Shoot the moon'!! There are many helpful aids in the forms of books, workshops, and couples coaches and therapists. Why not make an investment first in these areas?...What have you got to lose? The key to keeping a relationship alive and growing it to stay conscious, fully conscious. It is challenging, but very possible. I invite you, and your spouse, to step into aconscious relationship and learn what the relationship can really give to the two of you.
MIKE ANSWERS: Hi, Wondering ... Complex, COMMON issue ... thank you for sharing something that so many experience but may not articulate. I'd summarize it as follows: the excitement, the spice, the spark, the 'intensity of love' is missing from your marriage. Affairs virtually always bring about undesired emotions long-term (including regret), in spite of the initial seductive attraction of a powerful romantic fantasy which virtually never delivers as hoped. Happiness / contentment in life NEVER exists 'out there' somewhere. Happiness lies within. It's about learning to be content with life's circumstances the way they are today. Money/Career/Possessions 'out there' don't deliver. Neither do relationships. Happiness is an inside job. Circumstances 'good' or 'bad' are merely the stepping stones. 'Most people think we are a great couple,' you say. You likely ARE a great couple. You merely face the opportunity, the challenge of restoring the spark. Go for it! Grab some assistance for the journey and begin the flight. You'll look back down on the runway one day and be glad you did.
LINDA ANSWERS: Dear Just Wondering, I believe you have grown to take for granted the wonderful man that has stood by your side for 17 years. In today's society where over half the marriages end in divorce, you've found a gem, a man of his word, who has stood by your side for better or worst, for richer or poor, in sickness and in health. Why not start dating each other again on a weekly basis? Surprise him with his favorite meal and you dressed in a very sexy nightgown, soft music and slow dancing while you're wearing his favorite perfume. Re-discover why you fell in love with him all those years ago. Put hot, steamy love notes in his briefcase. Why not go to the book store and purchase a book about romance; for example, 1001 Ways to be Romantic? Or take the 'Partners In Life' Program offered by LifePartnerQuest Coaches.
MARI ANSWERS: Dear Just Wondering, It sounds like you and your husband have lost touch with your DREAMS. I would encourage each of you to explore what it is that you WANT from your marriage as opposed to what you don't want. Imagine that you could have the perfect, meaningful and fulfilling marriage! What would bring more joy, fun and passion to your lives? Take time out to journal, create collages, make lists of all the things you would really love to be, do and have in this lifetime. Then share your discoveries with each other and see if you can create a new shared VISION together! John Gottman, author or 'The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work' says, 'In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of MEANING. They don't just 'get along,' they also support each other's hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.'
Even Affairs Become Routine ...says Suzanne Barash, M.A., I read 'Just Wondering's' email and found myself smiling and also thinking 'I've felt like that.' The movie is wonderful and does show a wonderful relationship that is loving, exciting, and certainly sexy. And, they only see each other for a short time each year. As a result, they don't have to go through the daily 'routine' that committed or married couples do; it's just a different reality - a different mindset. Having an affair is exciting but that too can get old because it eventually becomes familiar and routine, too. Relationships, which are really mysterious, take time and creativity to grow. They are not always sexy, exciting, challenging, and interesting. Part of the dynamic is that we come to take our partner for granted; we take our circumstances for granted and lose that special edge. Passion does wane and it can be a challenge, for both people, to make it juicy again. l suggest that 'Just Wondering' ask herself the following questions and give herself some time to answer.
Take a step back and think and feel before you make any decisions. The ultimate choice of what you do is what you get to live with forever. I wish you the very best. Go Ahead, Have That Affair!!My advice to 'Just Wondering' is to go out and have that affair!! Here are a few steps to get started:
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