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Knowledge Bank May 2003
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION: Dear Coaches: "My husband of 2 years and I have a running argument. When we are home together on the weekends, I like the house to be quiet, especially if I am working on a project where I need to concentrate. He, on the other hand, likes noise. As soon as he gets out of bed, he turns the TV or the stereo on. He won't even be watching the TV. He can be out in the yard doing yard work and he leaves the TV on in the house. When he turns the stereo on, he likes rock music. That really rattles me. I've asked for light and easy or classical if he has to have some music on, and he thinks that's "for sissies" as he puts it. How can we resolve this? I know it's not as serious a problem as you may sometimes get, but I think our inability to resolve this is a sign of something worse going on in our relationship. If we can't resolve a little thing like this, what will we do when we are faced with a big problem? What suggestions do you have for us?" THE COACHES RESPOND: PATTI ANSWERS: Dear Quiet and Deep, I have experienced a similar issue with my husband. He puts his loud stereo on upstairs and then comes downstairs to watch TV and then falls asleep. Often this happens at night when I need to go to sleep. My recommendation is that you set limits. For instance, I bought my husband a pair of cordless headphones that he must wear when he watches TV or listens to music after 10pm. I turn everything off if he goes outside or falls asleep. You could also set time frames when the house must be quiet and time frames when he can play the music as loud as he wishes. You may also want to get a white noise machine that helps block sound and/or sound proof a room that is yours. Find creative ways to get your needs met in a win-win manner.
LAYNE ANSWERS: Dear Quiet & Deep, What needs to happen is for both of you to care about what the other wants and experiences, then to find a path that gives you both the essence of what you want. Both of you need to let go of having it "your" way and find "our" way. Do you think he would consider earphones? He can turn his noise up as loud as he likes and you won't have to listen to it. Criticizing him won't motivate him. The key to living in harmony is accepting one another the way you are, without "trying" to change the other. Trying to change someone is usually a symptom of power struggle. Warm regards,
CLARITAS ANSWERS: Dear Quiet and Deep, I am sorry to read of this difficulty you have between you. It is not a small thing. It is right to face it now and with love and respect for one another, rather than allow deep resentments to set in. That can happen remarkably quickly. It looks as if you are both in a merry dance on this one, with your requesting classical music and his response "it is sissy". Just to alter the tenor of this interaction, try a couple of times of ignoring it, or saying, "Can't we have it up a bit more!" That may just give your husband the opportunity to "hear" the reality for himself. Then both of you may seek a couple's coach who can help you to adjust to one another as you take your marriage to a new level.
Sailing Your "Partner-Ship"by Paul and Layne Cutright Partnerships are in many ways like real, seagoing ships. Just like a sailing vessel needs regular, constant care and upkeep, your partnerships need regular care and upkeep. The crew of a sailing ship is knowledgeable in the standard practices of seamanship, which is absolutely required to maintain a ship's seaworthiness. Unfortunately, most people are not knowledgeable in the standard practices of maintaining their partner-ships. Yet, most people in partnerships of any kind are usually focused on the goals of the partnership, whether building a life or a business or a community center. There is very little attention paid to the partner-ship itself. And often, somewhere along the voyage of life, the partner-ship is unable to withstand the inevitable and predictable storms of life that can damage both the partners and the partner-ship. Maintaining a strong, stable, satisfying partner-ship requires knowledge and skill - neither of which is commonly taught in our culture. Enlightened partnerships are distinguished both by the shared vision that guides the partnership as well as the standard practices of its partners. Enlightened partnerships are created and maintained through specific standard practices. Unfortunately, these practices are uncommon in a popular culture gripped by fear and ignorance. But, through the commitment to learn and use these practices, the partners and the partnership are elevated to new heights that uplift and evolve the soul. Below we offer for your consideration our "Top Ten Practices of Enlightened Partners" to help you in building and maintaining strong, durable and enlightened partnerships. The Top 10 Practices Of Enlightened Partnersby Paul and Layne Cutright
The more spiritually attuned you are, the more enlightened you and your partnerships will be.
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