 |
||
Knowledge Bank July 2003
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches. THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
JACKIE ANSWERS: Dear Cautious, You are partners, not adversaries. Each of us comes into a committed relationship with our history around money and our "money psychology". It sounds like you may be making inaccurate meaning of Victor`s attempt to participate financially in joint (household) expenses based on his beliefs or values. His contribution and your reaction to it suggests that neither of you has had the benefit of hearing much from the other about attitudes, thoughts, feelings (fears), beliefs or needs around money. Sit down with each other and begin an on-going dialogue about your ideas, preferences and expectations about how to handle joint (household) expenses and personal expenses. Talk about your style, values and attitudes around earning, spending, saving, and investing money. And please talk to each other with the kindness and respect that is the cornerstone of your relationship and assume one another`s good will and good intention.
SUZANNE ANSWERS: Dear Cautious: It seems to me that embarking on this new adventure is an exciting unknown territory for you. What have you done to shift your thinking from "I" to "we?" That is what a successful partnership is all about. You don`t have to give who you are as a woman away. What you`re doing is looking at life with a new perspective. Life is a sharing process with someone who you love and respect. You`ve made a choice and now you get to experience a learning curve--learning how to be as successful in your personal life as you are in your professional life. Would you consider sitting down with your husband and sharing your fears, etc.--the vulnerable part of you? You`ll still be a strong woman and also a more intimate partner. How lucky that you found someone that you care so much about and who loves you back! Bite the bullet and go for the full possibility of this new part of your life. I don`t think you`ll have any regrets. Good luck.
MARI ANSWERS: Dear Cautious, I cannot recommend highly enough the importance of clear communication to alleviate money difficulties. There are so many good strategies that a couple can follow--for example, having separate checking accounts, and opening a third account into which each of you deposits the same percentage of your salaries every month to cover all your necessities. It sounds like you have a generous and aware partner who wants to make sure that he contributes to the shared expenses. I would suggest the two of you take time together to really get clear on all your money matters. Then create agreements that work for the both of you. That way you won`t be blindsided by behavior that appears "out of the norm". Money can be the biggest minefield in a marriage, or it can be the biggest opportunity for growth and a deeper connection! A couple of books you might like to check out are: "Money Harmony" by Olivia Mellan and "Smart Couples Finish Rich" by David Bach. Also, any of Suze Orman`s books. Wishing you much success and prosperity in your marriage!
Things To Discuss Before You Get MarriedAdvice From Suze Orman In her May 2002 column for "O" magazine, Suze noted that in her Since we learn about money from watching our parents talk or fight Aware that it is common for partners to have different spending Suze also encourages couples to discuss how they will build a In her opinion, the best solution is to take a "yours, mine, She also notes that some couples choose to put the same dollar amounts rather than a percentage into the discretionary account, even though their incomes are not equal, so that each one has the same spending power. It is important to discuss this and agree on a plan that works well for both of you and meets your financial and relational goals BEFORE you get married; however, it`s never too late! COUPLES & MONEY:Six Steps to Building Your Financial Future Together It's the issue that ends marital bliss the most: MONEY! So, money and marriage CAN be a match made in heaven! The following six steps are designed to bring more harmony in your money matters. 1. HISTORY: Where are you both coming from? Break the ice on money issues by talking about how money affected each of you during childhood.
2. PERSONALITY: What "money type" are you? Author, Olivia Mellan, describes four different money personalities in her book, "Money Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Life and Your Relationships".
Identify which money personality you and your partner are and discuss your money habits. Oftentimes, couples are polar opposites, and need to work together to find a middle ground. 3. VISION: What do you want your long-term future to look like? In his 20+ years of marital research, John M. Gottman, author of" The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," discovered that 69% of all unsolvable marital problems were related to HIDDEN DREAMS!
Before this discussion it may be good for each of you to write down your own financial goals and obligations, then share the lists. This will give each of you time to think about what is important individually before you start trying to mesh goals as a couple. 4. SYSTEM: Do you use a day-to-day money-tracking system?
After a month or two of tracking receipts, you can clearly see if you are spending money in alignment with your values and life purpose. In their book, "Your Money or Your Life", authors Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin encourage us to question how much LIFE ENERGY it takes to generate our incoming money. And to ask ourselves whether we really want to buy that $3 latte every day, or splurge on that "must have" outfit. 5. AGREEMENTS: Who is responsible for what? Decide on all the areas that need to be handled around money. For example, paying bills, overseeing investments, shopping, etc. Create clear agreements on who will take care of what. Ideally, you want to have a situation where if one person suddenly had to take care of everything, there would be a smooth transition. One way to do that is to rotate the areas that each of you tends to take care of periodically. If your husband always pays the bills, take over for a couple of months. 6. REVIEW: How often do you check your money map? Set up a reminder system in your calendar to reexamine your finances with your partner on a regular basis - minimum semi-annually. Take a look at your income, expenditure, assets, liabilities as well as reviewing your short and long term goals and how closely you are living in alignment with your vision. Make adjustments as needed. Remember, you are in this together - couples can achieve far greater economic success by functioning as a true partnership.
|
||
