This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to
who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
Dear Coaches,
"My husband and I have been married for several months. He's a mathematician. I've never felt very confident with math, so he has been handling the finances. I thought since he's so good at math, he should do that. But I'm beginning to have second thoughts.
I couldn't believe it today when I tried to use my credit card and was told that they couldn't accept it because it was over-extended. He sits down with the checkbook once a month and he gets so angry, he fuses and fumes and sometimes worse because he can't get it to balance. Sometimes he even yells at me. I usually try to stay out of the way.
I did suggest once that I try to do it. I'm not stupid, and if I use a calculator, I should be able to do it. He thought it was a crazy idea. He doesn't think I can handle money because I'm not a mathematician like he is. He thinks I'd bankrupt us with my first attempt. I'm not quite sure how to handle this. You gave good suggestions to the woman last month. I plan to read the books you suggested. But our problem is a little different. I'm not sure my husband will ever trust me to even try to deal with our finances. Can you help me?"
Math challenged
JACKIE ANSWERS:
Dear Math Challenged,
Marriage is about being equal partners involved and invested in each
other, yourselves and in your relationship. Begin a dialogue about
money together now. Money is simply a microcosm of your entire
relationship. Don’t defer to your husband around this issue or any
issue. Act like the equal partner you are. Honor and respect yourself,
your talents, abilities, points of view, values and needs. Become willing
to be an active participant in your marriage and tell your husband you
are going to be his partner in all matters including money matters. Let
him know he doesn’t have to do all this alone. He has an eager,
competent partner at the table with him.
MIKE ANSWERS:
Hi Math Challenged,
Demonstrate your competency by keeping a running balance of your
checkbook through the month. Protect his ego by asking him to
check your results periodically and give you suggestions to
improve your process. Shower him with "mood-changers" during
his intense monthly checkbook-balancing with something he really
enjoys. Give him rewards when he completes the task. Have fun.
ELLEN ANSWERS:
Dear Math Challenged:
If you can both get self-esteem issues out of the way and see this as
simply a practical matter, you can probably figure out the best
division of labor for your particular family. If you and he can talk
honestly about what would be most comfortable for each of you,
identify the unreasonable expectations each of you may have for
yourselves, and question the automatic assumptions about who
should be doing what, you can probably negotiate this to a
" win-win" situation. Ditto for other issues that come up in your
marriage!
KEN ANSWERS:
Dear Math Challenged:
Mathematics involves different thought processes from arithmetic.
One could be a brilliant mathematician and have trouble balancing
his checkbook (think of Einstein). Arithmetic is a more detail-oriented
clerical function. So paying the bills may not be using your husband’s
strengths in the way he thinks. It is entirely possible that you are
better suited to handling this. He may be better suited to look at
sophisticated formulae for investing in the market.
Another answer is to invest in a simple software program like Quicken
Deluxe, Quickbooks or MS Money to track your financial data and
Balance the checkbook in the computer. Combined with an online
bank account, handling finances can be fast, easy, and even fun.
By Linda A. Marshall, Director of Couples Programs,
Mari Smith, and Ken Sprang
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several of our coaches who responded to Math Challenged
noted that there are two issues that need to be addressed.
One is a money management issue that could be resolved
by win-win problem resolution. The other is an issue
of mutual respect and trust. The first will probably not be
resolved until the second is addressed. Our
coaches point out that the way her husband vents his
frustration at her points to a lack of self-esteem for him,
role expectations he may have of himself that he doesn’t
see himself fulfilling competently, and a lack of self-esteem
for her in taking his venting personally. Self and relational
esteem are both needed for a relationship to flourish.
Self-esteem is the capacity to hold yourself in warm regard
in the face of your human imperfections and limitations...the
capacity to cherish yourself as a fallible and lovable human
being. We are born with this capacity and whenever we are
criticized, treated as inferior, rejected, put down, etc., our
self-esteem may be damaged.
Relational esteem is this same capacity for warmth and
cherishing... only this time it is for the other and the relation-
ship in the face of imperfections & limitations. In our culture,
we are not taught relational esteem--that relationships are not
perfect.
We are taught to idealize them by holding out the
image of perfection. We are led to believe that there is some-
thing wrong with everyone who is not 'living happily ever after.'
We are led to believe that we shouldn't have to work at a
relationship, that we should just know how to do it, that the only
work we should have to do is at our job.
To hold onto our innate capacity for holding ourselves in warm
regard in the face of our imperfections, we need the support of
others who nurture us. We learn that mistakes are learning
opportunities. When negative energy is directed our
way, we are able to see that it comes from the damaged
self-esteem of the other instead of making it about us.
We continue to hold ourselves in warm regard while
holding compassion for the other.
Mari Smith (www.MillionDollarRelationships.com) suggests
“ Let go of the struggle around managing money and see this
as more of an opportunity to deepen your understanding of
one another. Take time to sit down with your husband and
talk gently and compassionately about what it was like
growing up in your respective families. What did you learn
about money from your parents? Do you remember your
parents arguing about money? What were the beliefs you
created out of those experiences?”
Ken Sprang (www.singlestosoulmates.com) notes that
“ his frustration, venting, and concern about letting go of
finances is about him, not about you. So the answer
to the problem lies primarily in learning what would help
to soothe his anxiety and fears, not about something you
do or don’t do, know or don’t know. As his committed
partner, you can, over time, help him deal with his
frustration in a way no one else can.
Tell your husband that you are concerned for him
because you see how frustrated he gets each month in
paying the family bills. You would like to be supportive
and to help him address the frustration. Your motivation
is caring about him.”
Ken also suggests the need for a series of conversations
about “how *you* feel about not being trusted, or his
comment that you would bankrupt your marriage on the
first attempt. We usually lash out at those we love out of
our own insecurities. Whatever the reason, the finances
are the effect of an underlying question of how you each
honor and respect one another and affirm one another,
rather than getting into a ‘power struggle.’ It is important
for you to know and to share with your husband how you
feel when he disparages you in this way. He may not
realize that he is hurting you. Then think together of
different ways of expressing differences to one another
that do not involve shaming or negating one another.”
A resource for understanding the power struggle that
erodes self and relational esteem in relationships and
for having these kinds of conversations is
Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix.
TEN STEPS FOR DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
By Linda A. Marshall, Director of Couples Programs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Speak from your “ADULT,” non-reactive state.
2. ASK the other person to listen to you and give them a
brief description of the topic. Proceed only if they
agree to listen.
3. Tell them HOW you want them to listen:
-to understand your feelings, or
-to solve a problem, or
-to give advice, etc.
4. Start with the FACTS: The exact words you heard
them say, how they said it, OR what you saw with
your eyes, what you smelled, tasted, or felt with
your skin.
5. Own the MEANING you made of that – we usually make
it mean that they don’t care about us or see us as
inferior in some way.
6. Share your FEELINGS using one word to describe
each feeling you are having.
7. Identify what you NEED from the other and share that.
8. Make a REQUEST for a behavior change, sharing
what you want vs complaining about what you
don’t want.
9. Find a COMMON VALUE for this change. Ask yourself,
“What’s in it for them?” (Being closer to each other
is usually a good one.)
10. LIMIT YOUR SPEAKING to 5 – 10 minutes max.
FIVE STEPS TO WIN-WIN PROBLEM RESOLUTION
1) Be clear about the GOAL – a wise outcome for both.
2) Be SOFT on the people & HARD on the problem.
3) Focus on and be specific about each person’s NEEDS.
Avoid having a bottom line and taking a position.
4) Be creative and brainstorm lots of OPTIONS. Get ideas from
others, if needed, to come up with options. Decide later.
5) Choose an option that works for both people. Go for the
“win-win.” Avoid scarcity & assume abundance.
