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Knowledge Bank October 2003
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION: "I met this most wonderful man at a business seminar. We have been seeing each other for three months and really enjoy each other's company. He, too, thought that he would never find someone with whom he would want to spend the rest of his life. He says I am the first woman he has met that he is giving serious consideration to marrying. I have been paying attention to see if he meets my requirement and he meets all of them except one. I am Christian and he is Jewish. I always thought I would marry within my faith and my husband, children, and I would all go to church together. Now I am not even sure I want to have children at this late date. He's not so sure he does either. Both of us have rather demanding and fulfilling careers, so it is not so important to us now. And, we think more closely alike about spiritual matters than I experience with many Christians. He has what I would consider a very Christ-like spirit. In fact, it is one of the things that really draws me to him. We have not involved our families yet, but I think my family would be OK with it if I married him. They'd probably just be happy that I finally found someone. I'm not sure how his family would feel about me. We haven't really talked about how all this would work. We are just beginning to talk about the possibility of marriage. You say requirements should be met 100%. Is this a hard and fast rule and if so, why would you think it isn't a good idea for me to marry him? What challenges do you think we would have?" THE COACHES RESPOND: JOE ANSWERS: Dear Conscious, Sit down with your potential mate and discuss what is important about your religions and how each of you will honor the other's beliefs. If you both agree on this topic, this relationship sounds like a go for the next step. Also, if you choose to have children, I recommend you expose them to all religious beliefs and let them choose the beliefs with which they most resonate. “Forcing” religion on children creates some of the biggest power struggles in the family. It would be better to inspire children towards religion rather than force them. As far as talking with your families, let them know how much each of you honors their (the family's) religious beliefs and how you will honor those beliefs in your family .
KENNETH ANSWERS: Dear Trying to Remain Conscious, As to the first question, one must hold fast to one's requirements, but only if they are truly requirements! Sometimes what we think is a Requirement is really a Need if we examine more closely. As you describe this man who has captured your heart, it sounds like your real requirement is spirituality and a sincere relationship with God, as opposed to religiosity or a particular faith tradition. Therein lies the answer to the second question. Religion can provide us a marvelous resource for asking the hard questions about life and its mysteries. In the end, devout Jews and devout Christians are doing the same thing--seeking to live their lives in response to the grace of a loving God. Many of our Christian traditions have their roots in Jewish ones. One could allow the role of Jesus to get in the way, but why? Whether one views him as a wise prophet, as Jews are likely to do, or as the Son of God, the essence of his message of loving one another is the same. I am told that the Jewish Talmud teaches that in the space between husband and wife God dwells. If this man meets your other requirements, and you both are willing to honor and respect the faith of the other, you will have a wonderful relationship. When my wife met me I was a divorced Protestant and she a Catholic--a former nun. But she saw in me a common spirituality. She reconsidered her requirement that her partner be Catholic. Ultimately I converted, but because I wanted to, not because she urged it. I invite you to go to services with this man, learn about his faith as much as you can, and invite him to learn about yours. If you respect that each of you are on the same journey of life, seeking to respond to the goodness of the same God, and that you merely have somewhat different symbolic and ritualistic ways of doing that, your life will be rich and full.
REBECCA ANSWERS: Here are some questions you need to ask yourself:
We sometimes choose requirements without understanding the shades of gray that come with them. Be brutally honest with yourself, and have the courage and faith to follow through on what your heart and your spirit tell you. And know that whatever your decision is, it will be right for you.
CHALLENGES IN INTERFAITH MARRIAGESBy Rebecca Soulette
The times when we depend on our religion the most are the times when we need the comfort and assurance of whatever faith we know intimately. Those times can spur a resurgence of our faith and a new commitment to taking every aspect more deeply into our lives. It is important to consider how you might deal with a major life-changing event. Growing Dynamics In Spiritual Partnerships
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