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Knowledge Bank November 2003
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION: "My boyfriend and I have been in what I think you call a "pre-committed" relationship for about six months. We haven't been dating anyone else. And we think we are ready to become committed, but we are not ready for marriage. We are in school and can't afford an engagement ring, and we're not ready to tell our parents that we are getting serious. We want to be able to afford a ring at least. So what do you think. Do you think we're ready to become committed?" THE COACHES RESPOND: HOLLI ANSWERS: Relationship success depends on being able to meet each other's requirements and each partner having a solid foundation in their own lives. As a coach, I would ask you and your partner to consider if you meet each other's requirements for a committed relationship.
MIKE ANSWERS: Question ... what is it about your relationship with your families that prevents you from sharing your joy with them? There may be issues in this area that may carry on into your future together, adding stress to the relationship. Are you comfortable that you can work that out successfully? Good luck and congratulations!
KAREN ANSWERS:
Continue to ask yourself, as well as each other, many questions and determine your answers. Explore all of these areas. If you decide to become committed, you can always have some sort of pre-engagement ceremony. In the meantime, you can continue to build on your pre-committed status and ensure that you are the right ones for each other. This is the time to enjoy that exploration.
COMMITMENT: THE PATH TO RELATIONSHIP HAPPINESS?Commitment: The Path To Relationship Happiness? I recently realized that in more than 25 years as a counselor, therapist, and coach, I have never been able to help anyone who wasn't committed to what they wanted. Having a strong rescuer/hero complex, for many years I tried for a 100% success rate helping couples save their marriages, taking personal responsibility for the outcome. Whenever the desired results didn't happen, I blamed my skills and methods and sought more training and techniques, and never achieved more than a 50% success rate. I felt relieved when I discovered that other helping professionals did no better. Thinking of all the couples I tried to help, the biggest difference between those that succeeded and those that didn't, appeared to be- commitment. "COMMITMENT COACHING?" Discovering the pivotal role of commitment, I now seek to address level of commitment first and foremost with my clients, going so far as to say that I can't help them unless they are committed. So far, I have not had any luck helping people become more committed than they are. I'll let you know if I figure out the secrets of "Commitment Coaching." Until then, I will assume their level of commitment determines their outcome. We seem to live in a society that values immediate gratification and happiness, and devalues commitment and sacrifice. Cohabiting couples want to be happy first, then they'll commit. No wonder the failure rate of cohabiting couples is much higher than committed couples, as well as couples that cohabit prior to marriage. WHAT IS COMMITMENT? Commitment is both a FACT demonstrated by behavior, and an ATTITUDE consisting of thoughts and beliefs. Saying vows and exchanging rings in front of witnesses establishes the fact of commitment, as does the behavior of staying in an unhappy relationship no matter what. A committed attitude involves thoughts and beliefs to stay in the relationship under all circumstances. What people say and do is typically preceded by their attitude, but not always. It is common to have a difference between fact and attitude, for example, the married person who wonders "Is this relationship right for me? Do I want to stay?" As long as they stay in the relationship, they are committed in fact, if not attitude. Behavioral choices can be interpreted to reflect the core underlying commitment, regardless of what people say. While both are important, if there is a difference, it is probably more effective to focus on what someone does more than their attitude and what they say. You can change actions and behavior much more easily than beliefs and thoughts, and "acting as-if" is a well-established technique for changing attitudes. In my view, making a commitment to a relationship is a serious and irreversible choice, not to be taken lightly or entered into quickly, because you can never go back to the way your life was before. When you are single and dating is your opportunity to explore possibilities. When you enter a pre-committed relationship is your chance to fully compare your requirements with the reality. Ideally, you make a commitment with full consciousness and clarity that this is what you want, accepting all challenges and obstacles as part of the package. PATH TO HAPPINESS PAVED WITH COMMITMENT? I have found compelling evidence that the path to long-term relationship happiness requires commitment in the results of a study by Linda Waite, author of "The Case for Marriage," who found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. She coined the term "Marital Endurance Ethic;" stating that "marriages got happier not because partners resolved problems, but because they stubbornly outlasted them." This is astounding. All by itself, the act of commitment appears to be more effective than counseling, therapy, workshops, self-help books, and even relationship coaching, in overcoming problems and creating a happy long-term relationship. ATTITUDE, BEHAVIOR AND RESPONSIBILITY Couples come to counseling and coaching wanting to be happy together. Chances are, they'll be happy if they just stick it out long enough, they don't need me for that. If they wish to proactively co-create their happiness together, as I mentioned at the beginning of this article, I've discovered they both must be committed and be willing to accept personal responsibility. In working with couples I now inform them of this, and seek to immediately learn their level of commitment, their ability to accept responsibility, their attitudes toward commitment, and whether there is a difference between fact and attitude. If the"fact" is that they are in a committed relationship (e.g. married), yet their "attitude" is less than committed (e.g. "I'm not sure this is the right relationship for me" or "It's his/her fault, I'll change when s/he changes."), that is where the work must begin. It is understandable that their unhappiness might cause couples to question their relationship, however, I share with them that I have learned that the path to happiness starts with commitment and personal responsibility. I explain that if they need results before commitment then we can't work together, as I would be doing them a disservice by wasting their time and mine, and chances are that if they do nothing other than stick it out, they'll end up happy. Commitment is a fact simply demonstrated by the act of staying in a relationship. While "attitude precedes outcome" is true, it is also true that "all behavior is purposeful," meaning that what someone does is a better measure of the future than what they say. We can clear up a lot of confusion and "what ifs" ("What if there is an affair?" "What if they won't go to counseling?" "What if my needs aren't met?") by focusing on the "fact" of commitment as demonstrated by both partners staying in the relationship no matter what, since now, thanks to Linda Waite's research, we know that if they do so, the odds are that it will work out. SHOULD COMMITMENT BE UNBREAKABLE? When entering a committed relationship, the great majority of us do so with the full intention of being together for life. Ideally, breaking that commitment shouldn't be easy or quick. In my opinion, unhappiness is not a valid reason to break a commitment; it is simply an indication that there is work to be done. If, most of the time but not all the time, commitment is the path to relationship happiness, how do we decide whether to stick it out or not? How do we know that our misery will eventually lead to happiness or not? We can't really know. Since we can't really know the prognosis of an unhappy relationship, perhaps the following questions might help:
RESEARCH RESULTS ON COMMITMENT AND HAPPINESS Excerpted from "Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages" By Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley:
© 2003 by David Steele / All right reserved / |
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