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Knowledge Bank December 2003
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION: "I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and we've talked about getting married. He acts like he wants to marry me. We've even looked at rings when we've been shopping at the mall. We wouldn't be able to get married for a couple of years yet, but it has seemed to me like we are heading in that direction. I'm beginning to wonder, though. I haven't met his parents yet. We have double dated with one of his brothers. That's the only one of his family I've met. He's met my whole family and they seem to get along pretty well. The holidays are approaching and I invited him to my parent's house for Thanksgiving. He said he couldn't come because his parents were having a big dinner this year for his whole family. I thought sure he'd invite me, but he didn't. I was shocked speechless. And I'm very disappointed and don't quite know how to talk with him about this. Do you think I am over-reacting? I don't want to invite myself. Maybe he thinks I can't come because I'm going to my parents. Any help you can give me will be appreciated."
THE COACHES RESPOND: MARI ANSWERS: Perhaps there is a reasonable explanation for his behavior, but you certainly deserve to know. I recommend that you go s-l-o-w-l-y with this relationship. There are some challenges that the two of you need to address. You might consider using the support of a relationship coach to help you through this time. Best of luck to you... and have a wonderful holiday no matter where you are.
KEN ANSWERS: Preface your conversation by explaining your love for him and your interest in possibly marrying him. Then tell him clearly that you would like to meet his family, and that it seems strange to you that he has not invited you to meet them. Tell him you would love to share some of the holiday celebrations with him and his family. Make it emotionally safe for him to speak candidly. Be clear that your goal is not to shame him, but for your sake and his, it is important to know where your relationship is going. You simply want to know his thoughts and feelings on the matter. There is no substitute for honest conversation. But you must listen with your heart and your head, and honor his feelings and his reality, whether you hear what you want to hear or not. Good luck
LINDA ANSWERS: Another thing to consider is that your boyfriend may not know himself why he isn't introducing you to his family. And you may not know yourself why you are tolerating such behavior from one with whom you have been talking about marriage. We all have unconscious forces at play in our lives that can sabotage us from getting what we really want. At the Relationship Coaching Institute, we are committed to being conscious in making our choices so that we get what we want in life. I think the article below about underlying commitments may be of benefit to you in understanding yourself and perhaps your boyfriend.
UNDERLYING COMMITMENTSby Brenda Zeller In chapter 3 of Debbie Ford's book “The Right Questions – Ten Essential Questions to Guide You to an Extraordinary Life”, she introduces the concept of “underlying commitments,” and sheds some important light about why some people are able to keep commitments and some others can't no matter what. Debbie says that by examining what we have and what we don't have in our lives, we will uncover what we are truly committed to. Whether we are aware of it or not, we are always creating in our lives exactly what we are most committed to, because our choices are always in alignment with our deepest commitments. When our lives are not the way we want them to be, we have a hidden commitment that is conflict with what we say we are committed to. For instance, we may declare that we are committed to financial security, but then spend more than we make every month. Or we may resolve to get in better physical shape and then be too busy or tired to work out. Or we may say we want a successful career, and then spend most of our time seeking someone to take care of us, sabotaging our career goals. We typically believe what we think and say, and are usually unaware of the presence of a deeper, hidden commitment. Our underlying commitment wins out over our declarations and resolves, preventing us from taking action that would lead us to achieving our goals. It is our underlying commitments that are responsible for the discrepancy between what we say we want and what we actually do and experience. It takes conscious effort to expose, acknowledge, and override the underlying commitments that shape the reality of our lives. They are the ones that have the most power in our lives until we expose them and the truth to ourselves. Once we face the truth, we can begin a process of transformation and make choices that are in alignment with our declarations and resolves. WHAT I'VE LEARNED FROM DATING COMMITMENT-PHOBIC MENBy Rebecca Soulette
In many cases, the degree to which you are attracted to commitment-phobic partners could be a clue that you have some personal issues to work out with this type of person. Getting to know yourself and your requirements and working with a coach is a good way to avoid succumbing to these unhealthy attractions. |
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