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Knowledge Bank January 2004
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION: "My wife and I have been married for almost five years. We have a good relationship and we have lost some of the initial sizzle that we had in the beginning. A buddy of mine said he and his wife went to a workshop where they learned that it's not enough to be kind and considerate and loving to each other on a daily basis. He said they were told to increase their pleasure by adding surprises at least once a month. I thought that sounded like a good idea, so he and I are putting our heads together to find some extra special ways to surprise our wives. We thought of some things we could do. And I ran across your website and thought you might be able to help us generate some more ideas. We want to set 2004 on fire!"
THE COACHES RESPOND: MARI ANSWERS: Dear Sizzlers, Here are some ideas to get you started:
I hope your 2004 is red hot!
KEN ANSWERS: Now as to surprises. To a large extent, the nature of the surprises depends on your wives and what appeals to them. Here are a few possibilities:
Above all, think outside the box and have fun. Good luck.
JOANN ANSWERS: Dear Sizzlers: First, set a "date" allowing yourselves 2-3 hours of uninterrupted time. Plan the outing for a time when you are both rested. If needed, arrange for childcare. When your "date" begins turn off your cell phones to be fully present for one another. Begin this journey in a picturesque part of your city or town. Once there, spend 30 minutes talking about the romantic venture outlined below. Then go off on your own for 30 minutes. Then return to a rendezvous point of your choice to finish your date together. Men, take your sweethearts to a romantic restaurant to begin. Share a beverage with straws to spice up the beginning of your excursion. You will be working with the theme of joy, passion, heart, & humor to convey your love to each other. Begin by choosing one of the previously mentioned emotions or states of being. Then tell your partner how they show up in life as that emotion. For example, joy is shown while planting trees or experiencing a mountain peak personally or professsionally. Now is the time to express your appreciation of this quality in your partner. Give specific details of what you observe when they are in a state of joyful behavior. Take turns with one to three of the emotional qualities. Before you venture out on your own for 30 minutes, agree on the rendezvous point. While on your own, notice how you feel about your partner and the attention you just received. You will now seek a symbol of how your partner represents one of the emotional qualities. Find a symbol in nature or agree to spend no more than $15. When you return to your rendezvous point, gift your partner with their symbol as a token of your passion and love. And may you both glow in 2004 after sharing your romantic wonders!
HOW TO CREATE RELATIONSHIP "SIZZLE"by Linda A. Marshall, M.Div., Director of Couple's Programs As Ken pointed out, studies of successful marriages suggest that happy couples give one another as many as 100 appreciations each day. An appreciation can be anything from an "I love you," to a compliment to an appreciation for how your partner contributes to the quality of your home and life through parenting, household chores, automobile maintenance. These little things cumulatively provide a context of pleasure and safety. They not only become a giant contribution to a successful long-term relationship, they also are a major factor in preventing divorce. The pleasure has to outweigh the pain or discomfort that we inevitably experience when we live with and love another person, or eventually it won't be worth continuing. In John Gottman's research, he noted that there needs to be five positive interactions for every negative interaction just for the relationship to remain stable. Much more positives are needed to tip the scales in the direction of happiness and fulfillment. So, our "Sizzlers" are on the right track. And what you heard at your workshop about surprises is also an important ingredient for tipping the scales in the direction of pleasure and fulfillment. That is because that after awhile we human beings begin to take for granted the kind, considerate, and loving behaviors our partners gift us with on a daily basis. The deep pleasure we initially experience flattens out over time as these behaviors become predictable and regular. When we add surprises to the mix, an air of uncertainty and expectancy is created. And these surprises need to be given at an unexpected time-not for special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, or other predictable gift-giving times. A curve ball needs to be thrown in occasionally to pique your partner's interest. It is this air of uncertainty and expectancy that increases the experience of pleasure and the emotional impact on the receiver.and thus on the giver of the gift as well. As Ken pointed out, the nature of the surprises depends on your wives and what appeals to them. And Mari pointed you in the direction of discovering your wives dreams and goals. Since John Gottman's research discovered that 69% of the conflict experienced in a marriage relates to unrealized and unsupported dreams, paying close attention to our partner's vision and dreams is extremely important. And surprising them in ways that are supportive of their dreams will only add to the sizzle they experience. That may mean that you will have to become a super sleuth as you begin to pay even closer attention to any wishes and longings being expressed by your partner. Another ingredient in intensifying your pleasure-safety bond, is having exuberant, high-energy fun together weekly. Many couples have forgotten how to have fun together. The average amount of time couples spend playing and laughing together is only about ten minutes a week. Extending the time you spend enjoying spontaneous, one-on-one activities that generate wholesome fun and laughter together will also increase the sizzle. Have fun and let us know how you set 2004 on fire. ROMANTIC BOOK LIST FOR SIZZLERSresearched by Rebecca Soulette, RCI Coach The following book list is full of romantic ideas to help "Sizzlers" generate their list. All have reviews on Amazon.com.
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