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Knowledge Bank February 2004
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION: "I am living with a woman who I am very much in love with and she with me. When we met she was involved in the beginning stages of the "swinging scene", basically with "friends", one of which she talks about at times. When we talked this over, she said that she isn't talking to this man nor is she interested in swinging. She says she wants me and a good family life with our 4 children -- 2 are hers and 2 are mine. But I still feel jealous/insecure when she wants her own space, brings up his name, or sometimes when she leaves the house. When we have sex, it is great. But deep inside me I don't trust her 100% and then I "shut down" and don't want to talk. Then I blow up and a heated argument ensues. Is there anyway I can change my thought process so that I stop thinking, that she is thinking about her past romance with this guy. I guess ever since he talked to her on the computer and asked her to sneak out because he wanted to have sex with her, my thoughts have been less than pleasurable. She went along with everything he was saying, then told me that she wanted to hurt him for asking her to sneak out. I want this relationship to last."
THE COACHES RESPOND: MARI ANSWERS: Have you talked with your partner about what her swinging experiences gave her? Perhaps it was adventure, excitement, spontaneity, variety, or full self-expression? How about exploring ways the two of you could co-create experiences that would fulfill your needs for safety, security and monogamy AND fulfill her needs at the same time. You say you have talked this over -- but, unfortunately, you are coming from a place of jealousy, insecurity, mistrust and being shut down. That is not exactly a safe space for her to share her heart with you. I strongly encourage you to let go of your fear of the future and stay totally present to what is happening now; honor your woman and her needs more; and do what you can to increase your confidence that you are a good, strong and desirable partner. There is a saying: "Where attention goes, energy flows and results show" - so stop focusing on the negatives of what you don't want and instead focus on the positives of what you DO want - such as intimacy, trust, closeness, and a lasting loving partnership. I wish you much luck on your relationship journey.
KAREN ANSWERS: There's no getting away from that fact that our partners have histories that don't include us. It's true that people occasionally fail to keep even the most heartfelt promises to be faithful. It's true that there is always the possibility that either partner could falter. So how do you keep this from driving you crazy? Notice that the question I asked was not "how do you keep her from cheating?" As much as we'd like to, we can never choose for another person. You can, however, choose who you are going to be in the face of that uncertainty. You can choose to trust. You can choose to honor her promises rather than honoring your own jealousy and insecurity. Which of those choices is going to give you the relationship with her that you both want? It's a risk, yes. There may be a time you could be hurt. But that's true of every relationship at every moment. It won't be easy. You may have to choose to trust every five minutes. But the question is not so much "will she cheat?" as it is "what kind of relationship do I want to have right now"? Choose that.
ANNIE ANSWERS:
Recommended reading: "Who's to Blame: Escape the Victim Trap & Gain Personal Power in Your Relationships" by Carmen Berry and Mark Baker.
The Rule of Three in Relationships: STOP, LOOK, & LISTENby JoAnn Marini Before any of us tie the knot, it is important to STOP, LOOK,& LISTEN ~~ listen to ourselves and question the relationship we have. Always STOP to pay attention to our inner self; take responsibility by LOOKING within; LISTEN to every thought, feeling and intuitive instinct that presents itself in our body, mind and spirit. STOP means to pay close attention to our thought processes. These are our inner red lights warning us that something is unacceptable to us. Instead of turning off our thoughts, it is important to turn them on. Get in touch with our feelings to become conscious of what troubles us! How would our requirements show up in our ideal relationship? LOOK at what kind of foundation our ideal relationship needs or our own and our family’s happiness. How can a shaky foundation allow us to love deeply? What need do we have to be with someone who violates agreements? Look at any hidden issues of instability in prior relationships to understand what attracts us to our current relationship. LOOK at the relationship to see whether we have a head attachment or if we are allowing our heart to run the show. Romantic love and sex feels so good that it is often mistaken for love. Be in a place to choose from our love center. That includes rational thinking about what each of us brings to the relationship. LOOK at how we want our family life to be. Do we want physical and emotional stability in our home? Are we experiencing that in our current relationship or are we thrown off balance by deceptive behavior? Deception sets the stage for jealousy, anxiety, rage, and deep hurt. LISTEN to what we want in a relationship. Can we achieve a foundation of trust, commitment and fidelity in our current relationship? LISTEN to where we want to be in three years, in five years and beyond. Where do we want our children to be and whom do we want our children to model? Dream of what our love could be and write down everything wanted in a relationship. LISTEN to our heads as well as our hearts. Is our heart heavy with anxiety or are we experiencing emotional safety? Are we relaxed, having fun, and able to be playfully loving with our chosen partner? If our requirements for a caring and mutually exclusive relationship aren’t being met, then perhaps outside support is an answer to support us in seeking the relationship of our dreams. We deserve to experience joy when we think about our partner. We deserve that sense of bliss when listening to our inner voice.
"Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate, Lovemaking"by Dr. Patricia Love & Jo Robinson This book is recommended reading for all couples and may particularly speak to Scott’s desire for monogamy and his fiancé’s interest in the swinging scene. Chapter headings are:
Check out "Hot Monogamy" at Amazon.com |
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