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Knowledge Bank March 2004
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:
THE COACHES RESPOND: KEN ANSWERS: Your concerns are really understandable. Here you have, perhaps, met the man of your dreams, and he has this physical condition which is rather unpleasant to deal with aesthetically and otherwise. The problem you face, of course, is similar to that which many persons face when they fall in love or are on the verge of falling in love with someone who has physical characteristics that are perhaps unpleasant. It is important to realize that he doubtless has concerns about how you will react as well. He has an illness with a side effect of being unpleasant to look at or deal with. I suspect he is as concerned about your reaction or potential reaction as you are. It says much about your prospective partner and his integrity that he informed you of his condition before you met. And your own response—that so far it is okay—is encouraging as well. Since you are geographically apart, you have some time. I urge you first to use the time to gather information. The National Psoriasis Foundation (www.psoriasis.org) is a great source and a Google search on psoriasis will yield much more information. Learn about the disease and the latest treatments available. It is important for you to know as much as possible about the illness, so that your decisions are informed. Second, sit down with your prospective partner, in person, and tell him all the things you find wonderful about him. However, also tell him that you are concerned about your “squeamishness” with regard to his psoriasis. Be honest about your feelings and acknowledge that the squeamishness is your issue not his. And ask him to help you overcome any squeamishness you may have. Also, invite him to share with you how he feels about it all. Finally, chances are good that over time you will cease to see the psoriasis. Thousands of people fall in love and soon their partners' disabilities and physical “imperfections” become invisible, for beauty “is in the eye of the beholder.” It is not that love is blind, notwithstanding the old saying, but rather that love allows us to look beyond the surface and see what lies beneath. The stronger your bond grows, assuming that this man is all you believe him to be, the easier you may find dealing with his illness.
LINDA ANSWERS: My father has psoriasis and gave me a copy of a magazine apparently published by dermatologists entitled Psoriasis Connections. In their 2003 Fall/Winter issue, they have an article on dating. And in their next issue, they are to have an article on Long-term Partners. This is part of a series on Psoriasis And Intimacy. Their webpage is www.psoriasisconnect.com, so you may want to check out this resource as well. Your question immediately brought to my mind something I read in Dave Ellis's book, “Falling Awake.” Being a bit squeamish myself, I was intrigued. In the chapter entitled “Move Toward Love,” he spoke about a practice he developed for himself to move in the direction of love in his life. He would seek out things that he routinely avoided. At one point he asked himself, “What is the most repulsive sight I can imagine?” For him it was maggots. So he figured that if he could love the sight of maggots, then he could love just about anything. So sometimes when he was driving around and spotted road kill, he would park his car, flip the road kill over, and say, “Aha! Maggots. Opportunity to practice!” He says that after doing that he found it a lot easier to love the people and events in his life that were far less disgusting than maggots. He identifies “Move toward Love” as probably the most powerful, unusual, and indefensible Success Strategy in his book. Practicing moving toward love enables us to face our own imperfections and those of others. I haven't tried this practice as yet, and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. I hope it offers you some food for thought and help you embrace this wonderful man you have met who has an Illness that unfortunately is a bit disgusting to deal with. My best to you.
MOVING TOWARD LOVEExcepts from “Falling Awake” by Dave Ellis Ellis' main point is that our attitude is our ticket to paradise. Our attitude is our way of thinking…our style of seeing the world. It is the attitude of “loving it all” and permitting things to be the way they are—right now, in all their glorious imperfection and messiness that will give us access to paradise. He cites some notable advocates…Jesus' suggestion that we love our enemies as ourselves and Ghandi's hope that the British leave India not as enemies but as friends. Freely admitting our weaknesses as well as our strengths allows us to permit and even embrace our problems as chances to create new solutions and gain new skills. He is clear that moving toward love doesn't mean letting others take advantage of us, or that we meekly put up with aggression. It is about letting go of our internal resistance to problems. The Love he is talking about means fully acknowledging and fully accepting the problem as it is right now. With that internal attitude, we can then take whatever actions are necessary to change external circumstances. When we face that life isn't perfect and accept all the thoughts and feelings associated with that fact, the solutions and actions we take will not be tainted with hatred…and perhaps disgust and revulsion as well. We can begin to embrace an attitude of “It's all OK!” It is at least worth an experiment. SUCCESS STRATEGY TO “MOVE TOWARD LOVE”Check out www.fallingawake.com for Success Strategy #3 These are the practices that Dave Ellis suggests to “move toward love”
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