Knowledge Bank

May 2004

This page contains selected content from this month's "Partners in Life Couples News."

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ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to

who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:

Dear Coaches,

“I started dating a man two years younger than me. He wanted to marry me when we started to date. He was till now communicative, ready, willing to understand, said that he valued our relationship, conveyed my importance in his life, and many things that were flattering to hear and believe.

But now our relationship has suffered a set back. I can't decide how to continue. He says that although he is still interested, he cannot honor his commitment of marriage because his parents are applying pressure. In the beginning of our dating phase he appeared strong and independent but now appears to be weak and helpless. When I expressed my annoyance at his changed decision, his interest in me apparently changed.

I must have assessed him wrong. I have had long conversation with him after the break up on what went wrong with me but he has never points to anything. He says that our relationship was very good and he was fully satisfied with our compatability etc.

Still he doesn't show interest in me or in our love relationship by taking initiative to find out how I feel about the breakup and his withdrawl etc.

I am disappointed and grieved. I don't understand whether he was a right man for me or whether his withdrawl is for my good. I found it difficult to cope with his decision to cancel the marriage. How do I react to him? He seems unaffected by the loss. This leaves me further disappointed!

Thanks for your helpful ideas”

THE COACHES RESPOND:

MIKE ANSWERS:
Dear Disappointed and Grieved,

My initial sense is that time merely uncovered issues that illustrated your ultimately not being "right" for each other. Though painful, that nearly always happens for those of us unwilling to settle in our search for our life partner. The right, and best, relationship, is the very last, and longest lasting one.

Analysis / concerns:

He was "too ready" too early to marry you. (That "should" take many, many months.)
Either he is too weak to stand up to his parents for what he believes, or he is using them as an excuse to avoid the pain of honest communication.
He does not respond well to your needs and issues.

Please don't blame relationship failure on yourself unnecessarily. Breakups are the norm. Try to remain friends, but it sounds like, as painful as it is now, fate spared you (early on) deep challenges and pain down the road.

Mike McCartney
Scottsdale, Arizona
www.SinglesOfFaith.com

KEN ANSWERS:
Dear Disappointed and Grieved,

Reading your story, there are two questions that leap to my mind:

First, how old are the two of you and have you had past serious relationships?

Second, what kind of pressure were his parents putting on him? Was it related to age, religious differences, ties to "apron strings" or something else.

I wish I knew more, and I would note two things:

First; this is about him not about you. However, it might be helpful for you to work with someone who could help you understand his reservations and to process your grief.

Second; look forward. Such a quick leap into a marriage commitment and then an equally quick withdrawal is a serious concern. Whatever the reasons for his actions, they demonstrate that he needs to gain a better understanding of relationships and the complexity of them. Marriage is a major commitment and one should not step into it lightly.

Similarly, leaving a relationship with someone whom you purport to love enough to marry is also a serious decision not one that should be precipitated simply by parental pressure.

Allow yourself to grieve, try to understand, and continue your search for the right life partner for you.

Kenneth A. Sprang
Bethesda, MD 20814
(301) 907-3377, ext. 93
ken@bcccounseling.com
www.bcccounseling.com
www.singlestosoulmates.com

JOYCE ANSWERS:
Dear Disappointed and Grieved,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It can be disappointing to find out that someone in which you've invested time and emotional energy isn't "Mr. Right". One could go crazy dwelling on what is going on with him. It could be any number of things. Dwelling on this is, of course, fruitless. It seems like you've asked all the right questions to get him to open up and it looks like you won't be getting any more answers. He may not even have the answers himself at this point!

Whatever is going on with him, it's all about HIM (his insecurities, his family pressures, his demons, his issues) and not at all about YOU (who you are, how much he cares for you, etc.). Hard as it is, you've got to let him handle his issues in his own way and on his timetable. This may be indicative of how he handles big problems. Are you willing to live your life with him in this manner every time a big issue comes up? Your task now is to heal from this disappointment, assess what you've learned, become even more clear on your requirements for a life-long relationship, and get on with living a fulfilling life. A few sessions with a relationship coach will accelerate your process.

Warmly, Joyce Leonard
Personal, Business, and Relationship Coaching
415-282-7026
joyce@coachjoyce.com
www.coachjoyce.com

Got The 'Right' One?

by Rabbi David Clyman

You've finally found the perfect specimen? Think again. This may be a warning sign of unrealistic expectations!

NO PERFECT PARTNER EXISTS

The same way that I admit that I'm not perfect, I don't delude myself into thinking that anyone else is perfect either. Everyone, including myself, has hang-ups. Some of us have more, and others have less, but everybody has got something they're not proud of.

Therefore, shopping for your picture-perfect lover is a fantasy never to be actualized, because that person has never been created! (And if you ever do find that perfect person, please call me right away!)

SEEING THE FAULTS

I'm very concerned when someone meets the 'woman of my dreams.' Whenever there's immediate chemistry, your radar should sound off. People claim that they've found the love of their life when, in fact, all they've found is the 'infatuation' of their life.

When I was single, looking to get married, I was offered excellent advice. 'Ask yourself the following question when you think you've found the right woman: Is there anything about her that bothers you? If the answer is, 'no, nothing at all' -- then you've got the wrong person!'

The genius behind this question is figuring out what's driving you after the one you're dating. Is it love or infatuation? Infatuation is blind. You focus on one or two things that are wonderful -- and tune out the rest.

Love, on the other hand, is not blind. Parents love their children, yet simultaneously know many of their shortcomings. Parents love us in despite our faults. They see us for who we really are. They have a balanced picture, both the good and the bad.

Everyone has shortcomings. And we all have virtues. Never walk into a relationship thinking there's only good. Be prepared for the shortcomings. If you don't see them when you're dating, trust me, your spouse won't be able to hide them for long. You'll see them shortly after you're married.

Many people think that a great loving relationship is based on whether you've got the 'right one' or not. The 'right one' might seem perfect in the beginning, but the real test is what will be in the future. Will you be able to navigate the many stormy waters that the relationship will have to cross? Does this person have the relationship-building skills that will be needed to address the serious, difficult issues you'll inevitably face?

RELATIONSHIP REQUIREMENTS: RCI's Philosophy

Requirements are the deal breakers in a relationship. If they are not present, your relationship is doomed. It is best to know what your requirements are before you get serious. Requirements usually have these characteristics:

They are NON-NEGOTIABLE. The relationship won't work if a requirement is missing.

To identify your requirements, think about past relationships that have not worked for you. What was missing that led to your willingness to leave that relationship?
They tend to be BLACK OR WHITE...met or not met. There is usually not much room for gray.

To determine a relationship requirement, ask yourself if your partner were wonderful in every other way and you loved them and they loved you, and "__________" (you fill in the blank) were not present, would you stay in the relationship?

If you would stay, then it is not a requirement. There is something else that would lead you to stay. What is that something else? For instance, if your partner was willing to own their limitation, admit s/he is wrong, seek coaching to change, and follow the recommendations of the coach, your requirement might be related to a person's commitment to doing the work required to make a relationship work for both parties.
They also tend to be SUBJECTIVE. What matters is if the requirement is met or not met from YOUR standards.

Because some words can be defined differently by different people, it is important to be specific about what words like loyalty, trust, honesty, etc. mean to you. It is YOUR standard that must be met for the relationship to work for you.

Ask yourself, 'What does loyalty/trust/honesty/etc. mean to me? What must happen for me to experience loyalty in my relationship?'
They tend to have much POWER; if you have to think about it, it is probably not a requirement.

Requirements are so core to who you are and what you need, that much energy exists around them and this tends to force or drive events.

RCI Coach Deki Fox has this to say about requirements:
~~'Requirements are conditions we bring to life because of who we uniquely ARE; they also define how we have grown and developed up until this present moment. They clarify the way my experience of life has shaped me. They say 'HERE I AM,' with profound implications.'
~~ Your challenge is to find what conditions you brings to life because of how you have grown and developed up to this present moment. Deki recommends asking yourself; 'Am I trying to protect my vulnerability with this requirement' OR 'Am I trying to fulfill my life purpose?'
They are BEHAVIORAL EVENTS, NOT traits of your partner.

'You can't sabotage a relationship that can endure honest questioning.'

And so, the focus here is not on a trait of your partner, but on your own experience of being able to be honest about things that are bothersome to you. It is your responsibility to work on whatever it is in you that makes that experience of honesty difficult (such as unhealed wounds that makes bringing the issue up uncomfortable, being a conflict avoider & not wanting to ruffle the waters, or complaining because you are not clear about what you really require and need and thus are unable to make a clear request).

Ask yourself:

-What is my responsibility here?

-What is it that I need to do to have the experience that I require for this relationship to work?

-How do I move toward positive requesting and away from negative complaining?

-Is my partner willing to meet my request to fulfill my requirement, once I have identified what it really is?