Knowledge Bank

June 2004

This page contains selected content from this month's "Partners in Life Couples News."

See also:

The Knowlege Bank index for content from other issues
The current newsletter
Subscribe here and receive the newletters by email.

ASK OUR COACHES

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to

who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

THIS MONTH'S QUESTION:

Dear Coaches,

“I have been married four years, and two weeks after I gave birth to our second child my husband chose to go to his college homecoming, leaving me at home to care for the baby, our two year old, and a dog. I expressed my concern that I would be able to handle all this alone. He went anyway.

And now he informs me that he and his buddies are going away for this next holiday weekend. We spend very little time together as a couple. He is a firefighter and is gone at least three nights a week and on weekends. I have tried talking with him in every way I know how and he insists that he will come and go as he pleases. Once he even got up at 12:30 am and left to go to a party. He hadn't mentioned anything to me about this party.

I am thinking that it might be better for me to move on and raise our children without him. It seems to me that he is acting more like a single man than a married man, anyway. What do you think?”

At My Wits End

THE COACHES RESPOND:

REBECCA ANSWERS:

Dear Wits End,
Looks like you two have a clash of expectations in your marriage. Before you decide to end your marriage I recommend you and your husband work with a Relationship Coach to clarify what you both want and to develop a shared Vision for how to get it in your marriage. This may help both of you to be able to communicate about what you really want in your marriage. He may not be thinking about that and if he had to consciously outline what he wants, he may see that his behavior won't get him what he really wants.

It's worth a try.

Rebecca Soulette
RebeccaSoulette@aol.com
www.RebeccaSoulette.com
212-517-4996

CHANA ANSWERS:

Dear Wit's End,
Your letter sounds like this behavior began with the birth of your second child. Is this the case? If so, his behavior may be a reaction to this situation. If that is true, before you make any decisions, please consider entering into relationship coaching. It is possible that he is unaware of what is driving his behavior and once he knows, he may be willing to change it.

Good luck,
Chana Klein
chana@kleincoaching.com
201-833-8534

LAURI ANSWERS:

Dear Wits End,

What boundaries do you want to set?
What do you need to know from your husband?
What are your needs and Vision for your marriage?
What information do you need to make the best choice for you & your children?
What do you require, need, & want in your life?

If you require willingness from your husband to talk about it, negotiate it, to co-create a partnership and make it work, this is what you require. If he is not willing to do that, then your requirements are not being met and these are the dealbreakers in a relationship. Get the support you need to make a clear and empowered choice about how to deal with this complex situation.

Laurie Cameron, CC, MCRC
303-740-0352 (Denver, Mountain Time)
www.LaurieCameron.com
Coach@LaurieCameron.com

Four Stages Of Your Relationship Journey

by Linda A. Marshall, M.Div.,
Director of Couples Programs

Relationships go through stages and there are tasks in each stage we need to accomplish in order for the marriage to mature into one that works for both people.

Rebecca and Laurie's responses to Wits End reflects something that is a basic pre-requisite to establishing a successful partnership, and that is loving yourself enough to be able to make an empowered choice in a partner…or if you are already married, to make empowered choices in the partnership. Without this foundation, there will be challenges in the future that will be difficult to address.

Our task is to separate from our family of origin and become our own person. The Relationship Success Program for Singles and the Partners in Life Program for Precommitted Couples offered by the coaches affiliated with the Relationship Coaching Institute are designed to support the development of this extremely important pre-requisite.

STAGE ONE: ROMANTIC LOVE

When we meet someone and fall in love, we enter the first stage of co-creating a partnership, Romantic Love. When that happens, we evolve from “I” love & “I do what I want” to “We” love & “I do what you want.”

Our task during this exhilarating stage is to bond with each other emotionally so that we will be able to weather the ups and downs of life together. And believe it or not, becoming parents is one of the experiences that is both an up and a down.

While it is wonderful to welcome a new little person into your family, it is also a time of high stress. This is what Chana was addressing in her response to Wits End. This may be situational.

Research has confirmed that in the year after the first baby arrives, 70% of wives experience a precipitous plummet in her marital satisfaction. The husband's dissatisfaction kicks in later, usually as a reaction to his wife's unhappiness. Research has also shown that the couples who successfully navigate this stressful period do so because they experience the transformation to parenthood together. Their bonding during the Romantic Love stage prepared them to navigate this first challenge together successfully.

STAGE TWO: POWER STRUGGLE

The next stage in the journey is the Power Struggle. In the Romantic Love stage, we let go of our "I" in order to bond and become a "We." We notice how much we have in common.

In the Power Struggle stage, we begin to notice our differences. Our "I" begins to assert itself again, expressed as "I want to be me and I want to please you so we can get along."

Our task during this stage is to create the intimacy that supports our togetherness while being our own person. This is an on-going task and is particularly challenging in times of transition, like in the beginning of a relationship and during the transition to becoming parents. It is important to maintain respect for ourselves and our partner during this time and to approach each other and our differences with an attitude of curiosity. Chana's response to Wits End reflects this attitude of curiosity.

Many couples get stuck in the Power Struggle and could benefit from Relationship Coaching to take their relationship to the next level. It sounds like that is where Wits End may be. The Vision work suggested by Rebecca is beginning work to close the gap from where you are to where you want to be.

STAGE THREE: EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

For those couples who are able to accomplish the tasks in the Power Struggle stage, the best is yet to come. The next stage, Emotional Intimacy, is when we are relaxed in each other's presence and we just enjoy each other and enjoy doing things together. Utilizing laughter and humor keeps things in perspective. We avoid boredom by sharing fun, interests, and friends. We find ways to protect our sexual life from the incursions of the workplace and family obligations so that it becomes rich and pleasurable. The “We” in our relationship is being strengthened.

STAGE FOUR: MATURE LOVE

And even better than Emotional Intimacy, is the next stage of Mature Love. We are able to nurture and comfort each other with encouragement and support. We keep alive our early experience of falling in love while we face the sober realities of the changes wrought by time. In our maturity, after having successfully navigated the challenges in the previous stages, we experience a spontaneous flow of positive energy between “I” and “We.” We have arrived!!

Relationship Requirements: Worth Repeating RCI's Philosophy

Requirements are the deal breakers in a relationship. If they are not present, your relationship is doomed. It is best to know what your requirements are before you get serious. Requirements usually have these characteristics:

They are NON-NEGOTIABLE. The relationship won't work if a requirement is missing.

To identify your requirements, think about past relationships that have not worked for you. What was missing that led to your willingness to leave that relationship?
They tend to be BLACK OR WHITE...met or not met. There is usually not much room for gray.

To determine a relationship requirement, ask yourself if your partner were wonderful in every other way and you loved them and they loved you, and "__________" (you fill in the blank) were not present, would you stay in the relationship?

If you would stay, then it is not a requirement. There is something else that would lead you to stay. What is that something else? For instance, if your partner was willing to own their limitation, admit s/he is wrong, seek coaching to change, and follow the recommendations of the coach, your requirement might be related to a person's commitment to doing the work required to make a relationship work for both parties.
They also tend to be SUBJECTIVE. What matters is if the requirement is met or not met from YOUR standards.

Because some words can be defined differently by different people, it is important to be specific about what words like loyalty, trust, honesty, etc. mean to you. It is YOUR standard that must be met for the relationship to work for you.

Ask yourself, 'What does loyalty/trust/honesty/etc. mean to me? What must happen for me to experience loyalty in my relationship?'
They tend to have much POWER; if you have to think about it, it is probably not a requirement.

Requirements are so core to who you are and what you need, that much energy exists around them and this tends to force or drive events.

RCI Coach Deki Fox has this to say about requirements:
~~'Requirements are conditions we bring to life because of who we uniquely ARE; they also define how we have grown and developed up until this present moment. They clarify the way my experience of life has shaped me. They say 'HERE I AM,' with profound implications.'
~~ Your challenge is to find what conditions you brings to life because of how you have grown and developed up to this present moment. Deki recommends asking yourself; 'Am I trying to protect my vulnerability with this requirement' OR 'Am I trying to fulfill my life purpose?'
They are BEHAVIORAL EVENTS, NOT traits of your partner.

'You can't sabotage a relationship that can endure honest questioning.'

And so, the focus here is not on a trait of your partner, but on your own experience of being able to be honest about things that are bothersome to you. It is your responsibility to work on whatever it is in you that makes that experience of honesty difficult (such as unhealed wounds that makes bringing the issue up uncomfortable, being a conflict avoider & not wanting to ruffle the waters, or complaining because you are not clear about what you really require and need and thus are unable to make a clear request).

Ask yourself:

-What is my responsibility here?

-What is it that I need to do to have the experience that I require for this relationship to work?

-How do I move toward positive requesting and away from negative complaining?

-Is my partner willing to meet my request to fulfill my requirement, once I have identified what it really is?