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Knowledge Bank November 2004
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.THIS MONTH'S QUESTION: Dear Coaches, “I recently got engaged. My fiance' and I met in college and have dated exclusively since our Junior year, about four years now. We are planning a wedding in the spring. We get along pretty well in almost every area and recently began working with one of your coaches. We have felt encouraged because we've been able to talk about some of our fears about marriage much more openly with the help of our coach, who suggested that we pose this question to all of you. We recently discovered that we are on opposite ends of the political spectrum. She is very liberal and I am much more conservative. She had been hiding her liberal persuasion when around me and my conservative friends just to get along. But with the upcoming election, we've had some spirited discussions and she finally revealed herself to me. I must admit that I don't have a lot of respect for liberal politicians and I guess before I knew where she was coming from, I said some things that were hurtful to her. And she has had some pretty persuasive arguments in favor of her point of view and challenging to mine. I must admit that I have to respect her intelligence about this. Our coach asked me if having someone be of the same political persuasion as I am is a requirement for me. I don't think that it is...our relationship is great in every other way. I don't want to end it. And there is growing tension between us. I am wondering how to handle this. What experience have you had with this or what do you suggest?" ~Conservative Guy THE COACHES RESPOND: KEN ANSWERS: Your threshold question is certainly a timely one and you have asked and answered it. Having your partner see the world as you do politically is not a requirement. You may be challenged at times and that is, in my view, healthy. One of the most critical elements for success in your relationship is your ability to honor your differences. To do that effectively, you need to really hear one another. If you listen to your fiancée --really listen--and understand why she views the world from a liberal perspective, and if she listens to you and understands why you view the world from your conservative perspective, your relationship can be strengthened--if you learn to respect and honor your differences. One of the challenges of marriage is to maintain yourself and your point of view, while connecting with your spouse and building a life together as a couple. Chances are that the essence that you love about your fiancée leads her naturally to her views, while the essence of who you are leads you to your views. I would encourage you to undertake a "treasure hunt" in which you each strive to learn more about the other, including how and why you think the way you do. If you honor and respect your fiancée for who she is, and bring your heart and love to understanding her, and she does the same for you, your bonds with one another will develop and strengthen. Just today I heard about a couples who were surprised to learn that they could disagree and that was healthy and okay. It is. Whether it is politics, the way you manage money, the way you deal with extended families, or the way you hang up your suits, it is imperative that you strive to learn to listen to and understand one another. You will enrich your marriage and give one another a priceless gift--the gift of being known.
KAREN ANSWERS: Look at Matlin and Carvel, a polar opposite couple. They both work professionally in the political arena. One is a Democrat and exceedingly liberal while the other is a Republican and a conservative. They have an unbelievably successful and supportive marriage. I know because I actually met them in person years ago at a political conference in Washington DC. A good question to ask yourself is, "About what would I take an active stand that could affect my partner?" Most people's political views are, simply opinions. Very few people are actively engaged in changing the world according to their views. If your political persuasion does not define the WHO of you it does not need to impact your life as a couple.
NAN ANSWERS: If your girlfriend has subverted her political views for four years, so she could "get along" with your friends and continue your relationship, then how important is politics to her, really? It seems as though she chose time with you a higher priority than her political viewpoint. I think that she is demonstrating her trust and comfort level with your relationship by expressing her divergent political opinions to you at this time. Obviously, she felt safe in doing so. Your reaction to her disclosure may have surprised her. You mentioned you said things that hurt her. Did she wrongfully interpret your spirited discussions as personal attacks, was there good reason for her to internalize your remarks, or is one (or both) of you being extra sensitive? A discussion to achieve clarification would probably help. In any relationship, there are bound to be differences of opinions. How you choose to deal with those differences will determine the length and quality of your life as a couple. Mutually agreeable ground rules for those topics of potential dispute will make your conversations stimulating, energizing and, as you have already discovered, informative. Some suggested ground rules:
It sounds as though you and your fiancé are preparing yourselves well for your married life. You have a coach, and you are working together to map your future. If political alignment is at the top of your priorities in a marriage, then it's a good thing you found out now, rather than after the wedding. If it's not, consider this political issue "practice", and an opportunity for both of you to learn to argue responsibly. May you forever live the life of your dreams.
The Magic Of Allowing Influence by Linda A. Marshall The most hopeful and significant statement in Conservative Guy’s question to our coaches is, "And she has had some pretty persuasive arguments in favor of her point of view and challenging to mine. I must admit that I have to respect her intelligence about this." In the eighth year of John Gottman’s long-term study of 130 newlywed couples, he found that even in the first few months of marriage, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce than men who resist their wives’ influence. In fact, he found that there is an 81% chance that a marriage will self-destruct when a man is not willing to share power with his wife. That doesn’t mean they should give up all of their personal power and let their wives rule their lives. But the findings were clear. In the happiest, most stable marriages, the husband treated his wife with respect and did not resist power sharing and decision making with her. When there were disagreements, these husbands actively searched for common ground rather than insisting on getting their own way. Gottman isn’t trying to scold men. He thinks it is equally important for wives to treat their husbands with honor and respect. However, what his data indicated is that the vast majority of wives, even in unstable marriages and even when they are angry, already allow their husband’s to influence them. Wives tend to take their husband’s opinions and feelings into account when they make decisions. When Gottman’s team analyzed the data, they were struck by the gender difference when an area of conflict was discussed or when the couple talked about the history of their romance. Most wives tried to tone down their anger or negative emotions or match that of their husbands. They rarely responded by increasing the negativity. On the other hand, 65% of the men escalated their wive’s negativity in one of four ways. They became critical, contemptuous, defensive, or ignored their wives. Rather than acknowledging her feelings, he used one of these strategies to drown her out or obliterate her point of view. Gottman emphasizes the importance for both partners to avoid these four strategies, even though his data doesn’t explain why there is a disparity in the effect upon the marriage. A wife using these strategies doesn’t create the same instability that is created when a husband uses them. Gottman suspects that men who resist letting their wives influence them are not even aware of this tendency. And so, he cautions men to be especially aware of this danger of added risk and to follow the example of emotionally intelligent men who have figured out how to convey honor and respect. His data also reveals that men who do this with their wives tend to be outstanding fathers as well.
Alternative StrategiesMARRIAGE-DEFEATING ATTITUDES & BEHAVIORS:
MARRIAGE-ENHANCING ALTERNATIVES:
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