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Knowledge Bank December 2004
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.This Month's Question:Dear Coaches, “Do you have any recommendations for couples dealing with boundary issues? Specifically, my partner moved here from out of town shortly after we got together, following a very brief period of courtship. He is an extrovert, I am an introvert. I feel "violated" when he makes independent plans with my friends, reorganizes my music collection, and expects me to help him with home-remodeling tasks at his old house in his home town. He feels "violated" when I attempt to impose boundaries related to these matters. We are both male. I am losing my feeling of connection because it feels like I've been disrespected, dismissed. Thanks, The Coaches Respond:Dear Chris, The problem you are experiencing is a common one when an introvert and an extravert become partners. It is exacerbated when either is particularly strong in their preference. The challenge is to learn to be conscious of the differences and to honor them. There are multiple resources regarding personality type that could be helpful in understanding the different way your inherent boundaries and how you each "show up" in the world. And there are multiple resources that show what attracts folks to one another. Learning to respect another's boundaries is difficult for anyone who is unaccustomed to doing so. Chances are high that your partner has no idea how his actions affect you emotionally, even when you try to tell him. Our Couples Coaches are trained to teach you a skill that gives you a way to talk to one another that will help you say what you feel and to really hear what the other is saying--to really "get it." If the two of you are committed to your relationship, I urge you to do the work together. Check out our webpage for one of our Certified Coaches who can serve as a great resource for the two of you. Good luck. Ken Sprang Dear Chris, My interpretation of what you say is that you had a brief courtship and now you recognize that you have less in common than you imagined. That is probably why you feel a loss of connection and why you are feeling 'disrespected" and resentful perhaps. Boundary issues refer to our personal requirements and needs. Have an honest and light conversation about adjusting to close living. If you truly do not enjoy house renovation, say so now. Use humor to keep the conversation relaxed. Who knows.house renovation may be your partner's greatest desire. Being in a relationship is as much about allowing the other person to reveal what they require as it is about your own needs. Your friend seems to be making friends with your circle. Is there any way you could see this as a matter of pride and a blessing? If not, getting clear about your requirements with one of our couples coaches may help.
Dear Chris, It sounds to me that your long distance and "very brief" courtship may be part of the problem. You probably didn't have enough togetherness time to get to know and screen your partner before you fully opened your heart to him and allowed your feelings for him to grow. Becoming truly intimate with another person means that you lower your emotional and physical boundaries so that he can grow closer to you, but at a level appropriate to your blossoming relationship. I think you've discovered by this experience that there are no shortcuts to finding love. However, you can speed up finding Mr. Right by slowing down your rush to be with him. If you want to successfully entrust a man with your heart, then take the time up front to screen for the right man (and eliminate Mr. Wrongs) who can respect your boundaries as you grow slowly and safely closer to each other. With that said, when you discover a boundary violation, restate your boundary to him without explaining or defending yourself. You don't owe him an explanation, nor do you have to justify why you don't want your music collection tampered with or plans made with your friends without first consulting with you. If he tries to engage you in a discussion, continue to calmly restate your position without elaboration. If he isn't living with you, I don't see why you should spend your free time remodeling his house. If he does live with you, tally each of your household financial contributions to determine how fair it would be, for example, for you to collect rent from him while he continues to make payments on an unoccupied house. If you don't feel moved to help him remodel his house, then don't. There's no need to try to rationalize why you "should" help him remodel. If you feel you are carrying your end of the relationship, honor that feeling. Part of setting boundaries includes respecting the boundaries you set for yourself. If you conclude that this man cannot or will not respect your boundaries, don't be afraid to value yourself enough to end the relationship. Remember: He may be violating your boundaries, but you are the one who allows him to do so.
DISCOVERING A NEW PERSPECTIVE by JoAnn K. M. Marini, Recently I had the experience of seeing a significant person in my life through a new lens. First one person commented how loving this person acted and then another person made a similar comment! It gave me a brand new perspective. This type of experience is a way to re-frame one's perception. Using the tool of seeing a significant partner or significant person and even a situation through another's eye is a way to get a new picture. Try this out with someone with whom you feel tension or on edge. Look at the person or people through another lens. Ask someone who spends time with the person how he or she sees him or her. It is a way to empty the self of the old so the new can enter. Adopt their lens and notice how much freer you are inside. Notice how letting go of the old energy - the hurt, pain, grudge and misunderstanding allows for an entire new perception! Watch what happens to you; do you soften inside, have room for more laughter? Watch how the empty space opens inside to welcome more laughs, light and joy! When you see someone through a new lens embrace your natural essence to open to a joy filled life!
LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPSby Tonya Evetts Weimer ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ She was 35, he was 45, and they lived 500 miles apart in separate states. She was a school administrator, he was a sales rep, and they saw each other as often as they could. They spent one weekend a month, school holidays, and four weeks in the summer visiting each other. She complained-a lot- about how they never got to have enough time together. After five years of this arrangement, he got transferred to her city. Within two months after he arrived, they broke up. As I watched this couple unravel, I began to notice that there are people with long distance relationships who like it that way-either consciously or unconsciously. They want a significant other in their life, but they don't want them around every day. They may moan about the distance, but in reality, they prefer this arrangement. Sometimes, however, people meet, fall in love, and for reasons beyond their control, find it impossible to live in the same city. Economics, school, career, family obligations, and military service are some of the factors influencing people finding themselves apart when they are dying to be together. They also might meet each other on vacation or on the internet, or at a reunion, and they need time to see if the relationship is going anywhere before one of them moves. They struggle through the separation until the circumstances keeping them apart shift. Some relationships survive a long distance and others don't. Here are some of the challenges that exist when you have an out-of-town romance: 1.. Commitment If you have just met, take care to spend enough time to truly know each other before you get in a committed relationship. There is no substitute for face-to-face communication. You need to meet each other's friends, family, and co-workers. You need to experience good times and stressful ones. Once you do, decide what your expectations are for your relationship. Be open and honest. How much of a commitment are you willing to give? Being clear about what you want from each other is extremely important in order to minimize misunderstandings. 2.. Trust Once you can determine if you are both on the same level of investment in the relationship, trust and honesty become paramount to the success of your future. These elements are at the heart of all lasting unions, but distance challenges the security of your connection. 3.. Communication Be dedicated to the way you stay in touch. Phone calls, emails, and chatting on line are important. Set up a regular time to visit with each other, building a routine. But add some surprises such as, homemade videos, collected poems put in a special book, or self-decorated greeting cards. Stretch your imagination further with a lock of your hair in a unique box; an absorbent piece of cloth with your perfume or after-shave scent; a favorite flower, pressed and framed. If the other person does not call often, make time for you, or send appropriate communications, do not hang on. Let go and get on with your life. 4.. Share Tell your love what you are doing every day and talk about your friends. Describe them, tell their names, and share what you do with them. When your boy/girlfriend comes to town, he or she will feel more a part of the group, and not like the outsider. Make sure your old friends understand how important this new person is to you. Do not force your love to spend time with people who are not welcoming. Especially when your time is limited. 5.. Plan your reunions Decide where to meet, how often, and how you want to spend the time when you see each other. Be very clear about what your expectations are for the time you have together. This is where many relationships break down. His idea of the perfect weekend could be sitting in front of the TV with her at his side, watching the ballgame. Hers could be attending a poetry forum, and later sharing secrets of the heart. He may expect her to cook his dinner; she may expect him to cook for her. We all have old scripts that play out in new relationships, and unless we communicate what we want from each other, this is a recipe for misunderstandings and hurt feelings. 6. Finally, decide how long you want to live apart, and set a date for the move It is true that when one of you moves to the other one's town, you are taking a risk. However, most people say that even when it doesn't work out, at least they gave love a chance. They didn't want to spend their life wanting to be somewhere else, continuing a long distance relationship.
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