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Knowledge Bank February, 2005
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches. "Valentine's Day is coming up. I'm not such a romantic guy, but I've been dating a woman who really turns me on. I think she's the one for me. I want to make a great impression for Valentine's Day. I want to do something really different and special for her. I want it to be the best Valentine's Day she's ever had. I want her friends to say, "Wow!" when she tells them about it. I already know she isn't impressed with expensive gifts. What suggestions can you give me".
The Coaches Respond:Dear Romantic Wannabe, It sounds like you are bursting with excitement that you may have found "the one" for you. And you have lots of desires right now... to make a great impression, to do something really different and special for her, and to make it her best Valentine's Day ever. It is clear that you are paying attention to her -- since you know that giving her expensive gifts will not have much meaning for her. So, what have you noticed her really appreciating? What are her interests? What touches her? Rather than trying to "come up with" a great idea, you could take one of these four more direct approaches. First, if you prefer surprising her -- and you want her to know that you are loving getting to know her -- you could make it your intention to be a detective between now and early February. Search for what intrigues her from the mundane to the sacred. Listen to her. Engage her in lots of conversations that will provoke her to tell you about what she loves without her knowing that you're capturing her desires and planning to surprise her with gifts related to her desires. Second, if you want 100% assurance that you will please her - and you're willing to let go of surprising her -- you could simply tell her that you want to give her the best Valentine's Day of her life and ask HER to tell YOU exactly what her "Best Valentine's Day" fantasy is. Third, if you want to combine these, you could ask her to tell you three fantasies and then surprise her with the one of your choice. Fourth, how about imagining YOUR "Best Valentine's Day" fantasy. What would it look like if you brought your most romantic self to her? Maybe what she wants more than anything is to have a chance to receive the best of you. Whatever you choose to do, have a wonderful celebration!
Dear Romantic Wannabe, If you really want to impress your new love in an on-going way that will keep the romance alive for all of your years together, learn the Platinum Rule: Do Unto Others As THEY Want To Be Done Unto. It is very different than the Golden Rule: "Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You". As you can see, the difference is that in the Platinum Rule you are granting something that THEY want. The Golden Rule, while well intended, assumes you know what the other person wants based on what you would want. The truth is that every person has their own unique "love language," and so your new love may have a very different "love language" than yours. You have already found that expensive gifts is not a part of her "love language." Good for you for noticing! A really great book that explains the different ways we all like to give and receive love is "The Five Love Languages - How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman. The five languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. This book itself would make a nice gift and may open up a conversation between the two of you about what each of you needs. Also, how about suggesting that the two of you make "Valentine's Lists" - and write down all those things that would bring each of you joy. Make the list as extensive as possible, then exchange lists and it's up to you to pick out what you want to do/give this year. The lists can be used for Birthdays, Christmas and other special occasions too! Another way to keep Valentine's Day going all year long is by presenting your new love with twelve personalized coupons and tell her that she can redeem one a month. These coupons can include a get away weekend, a romantic dinner for two, a foot massage by you, and a picnic for two at a secluded spot in the park, just to name a few. Romance, you will learn, is measured by the thoughtfulness, love and care that goes into the gift or activity.
Dear Romantic Wannabe, Article #2 in our newsletter will give you a way to prevent what often occurs in marriages so that you can keep Valentine's Day alive and well for you and your new love for all your years. Article #3 is a process you can use with your new love that incorporates many of the suggestions made by Salila and Linda. What Happened To My Valentine?by Pamela Simmons, RCI Relationship Coach Do you feel alone even at home with your spouse and family? Do you wonder what happened to the love you once had for each other? Do you question who you are in this relationship and if you are valued? Do you go to sleep each night and wake up each morning with someone you are not sure you really want to be with? Vanished love and missed genuine connection agonize many marriages. How do couples evolve to this state and how it can be repaired? The way women see themselves and their roles has radically changed over the last few decades. Women have been empowered by economic, cultural, and psychological resources that have moved them to insist on emotional intimacy in their marriages. By no fault of their own, many men seem to come up short and unprepared for the change. Raised to be strong and competitive performers, hard, logical, independent, and stoic; they often find themselves emotionally distant, proud, numb to their own feelings, and fearful of exposure. "These are not pathological aberrations; they're the defining characteristics of manhood in our culture.The very values and traits instilled in us as boys-whether we wanted them or not-ensure that we become lousy husbands," says Dr. Terry Real in his book "I Don't Want to Talk About It." Most men are not so unhappy about their marriages as they are dissatisfied that their wives are so unhappy with them. The tendency is to withdraw or attack when confronted by women who waver between silence, eruption, care taking, and manipulation. Fights about discipline, money, and lost couple time can take over the mood in the home before we know it. The real issue of connection becomes disguised in disagreement over routines. The husband may struggle over feeling undermined during discipline, become angry and lash out in inappropriate ways and finally withdraw completely. It is at this point that outside interests and people replace the family in importance - an escape from the pain and shame of feeling helpless and displaced. Blaming, criticism, and being right take the place of open communication and mutual understanding for both husband and wife. Many choose to give up rather than face the part they play. Many have explained what they needed to deaf ears for years, only to walk away and seek connection elsewhere. Learning steps to a new way of being in relationship is like learning a new language. The practice of intimacy requires conscious effort to stop typical responses of anger and hostility. Thick walls of silence and distance complicate it even more. The challenges of marriage bring us growth, wisdom, and compassion when we choose to look within for our contributions to the couple dance. Valentines don't disappear when we stay engaged in respectful and passionate dialogue revealing our values, strengths, and spiritual centers.
Suggestions For Keeping Your Love Alive Adapted from Caring Behaviors Exercise in "Getting the Love You Want" I. Giving the Gift of Loving and Caring Behaviors
II. Putting the Zing into your Loving and CaringThe following suggestions are what will trick your neural system and keep your love spiking with exhiliration.
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