Partners in Life Couples News



  July 2005 
 

In this issue:

Ask Our Coaches:  How Should I Deal with His Ex-Girlfriend ?

Feature Article: Can You Revive Lost Feelings?

Bonus Article:  I'm Upset:  Say it with High EQ (Emotional Intelligence)

Words of Wisdom

Free Miracle of Connection Audio Programs

For More Information

Links to Us
 

David Steele
Founder and CEO

Cindy Briolotta, President
Relationship Coaching Network

Linda Marshall
Director |  Couples Programs
linda@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

Tara Alexandra Kachaturoff
Editor  |  Partners in Life Couples News
tara@relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

Copyright 2005 by PartnersInLife.org
All rights reserved.

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Linda@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com  who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

This Month's Question:  How Should I Deal with His Ex-Girlfriend?

Is it me or is it them? I'm a 27 year old female, never married, who just met a fantastic guy. I'm taking things slow because I really want us to get to know each other well. I think he might be the one, but I'm being rational about all of this. Even so, I know that sometimes it's difficult to see things clearly when you're involved.

I have one issue with him that's really bothering me. Although he says we are dating exclusively, he still talks to his ex-girlfriend all the time. They broke up about 6 months ago. Since then, she's been dating different people, and he's been dating me. She calls him frequently, she shows up at the same parties and talks to him, and it seems like everywhere we go, she's there, sometimes with a date, sometimes not.

I'm getting unnerved by all of this. I don't feel comfortable with him having so much interaction with someone he used to be with. I don't know if I'm overreacting or if they just have a good friendship. Could you give me some advice?

Erica in Rancho Santa Fe

Mike responds …

Regardless of your choice of decision regarding his continuing to see his ex-girlfriend in the manner he has been recently, I'd propose the more important question/test is this:

"After you articulate your concerns / feelings, HOW DOES HE CHOOSE TO RESPOND?"

Your feelings/observations/responses may indeed (or may not) be based on issues critical to the survival of your relationship, but here is a chance to see how this man responds to a situation where your perspective is different than his. You will encounter this situation, with different specific circumstances, thousands of times in your future if you commit to one another.

The real question, therefore, is, "how comfortable are you with his choices of response options, once he knows your feelings?" It will likely be a template for how he will respond in the future.

Congratulations on the relationship! Here's hoping it goes fabulously well ... and that he responds like too few men are trained to respond .. with understanding, and by putting your concerns ahead of (or at the very least, tied with) his pleasures.

Mike McCartney  |  www.singlesoffaith.com    mike@SinglesOfFaith.Com

Jeff responds …

For the first year after my wife and I were married, an old girlfriend would frequently call the house and ask for me, and barely say hello to Lauren. My wife's gut feeling was this was a dangerous thing.  I was sure she just wanted to be friends. I was wrong, Lauren was dead on right.

I tell you that story to make this point.  I learned a long time ago to trust a woman's gut instinct on these things, because guys can be so oblivious here. If your gut instinct is something is amiss in her intentions, gently share your concerns with your guy. I'll even give you some starting words -- "Can you help me with something...." His reaction to your concerns may tell you much about whether he is the one.

Jeff Herring  |  www.SecretsofGreatRelationships.com
jeff@SecretsofGreatRelationships.com  |  850-580-5333
 

Randy responds ...

It is difficult to see someone who you feel strongly about continuing to show interest at any level with a past lover. I observe this happening all the time in my coaching practice, whether it be past girlfriends or even past wives. Sometimes it can't be avoided, for instance if you have the same circle of friends. But you say this particular woman calls him frequently, which may indicate an insecurity on her part. Your reactions are very normal.

The truth is that there are many women in the world, and your potential boyfriend will be exposed to them throughout his (and your) life. If he loves you the best, then nothing catastrophic will happen. If he doesn't love you the best, then your relationship with him will probably not last. Six months is too soon to know which way it will go. You need to be comfortable with either outcome, and not jeopardize the outcome by being jealous. The best thing, in my opinion, is to enjoy him and not give him a hard time over this situation.

There's nothing wrong with letting him know it bothers you, but recognize this as your own insecurity. Watch and observe how he handles things after you mention it - it may give you an indication of his interest in you. Your objective should be to gradually build confidence and trust in the relationship based on what you have together, not based on putting up barriers to other people. Find outside sources of support where you can express your anxiety without unduly burdening the fledgling relationship.

Randy Hurlburt  |  www.loveisnotagame.com
randy@loveisnotagame.com  |  1-877-MAGIC-04 (toll free)

Sandra responds ...

First, let me congratulate you for your wisdom in moving slowly as you seek your life partner! As you are aware, many of us rush into a relationship with a partner who can never satisfy in the long run, part of the problem being that we just really really want a partner—so much so that we ignore warning signs. However, your goal might be to find your partner for life, not just any partner.

My advice will be based on the assumption that you have clarified your personal values, your life purpose, and your requirements, needs, and wants in a partner. (If you have not done this yet, I would urge you to work with a relationship coach in order to understand just who you are and who you must have as a partner.)

You dont mention whether or not you have talked with him about your concerns, so my first advice would be to open a dialogue by telling him in a reasoned, non-confrontational manner just how insecure this situation makes you feel. His response will give you the knowledge with which to proceed. I would assume that one of your requirements in a partner would be that he be faithful to you and be emotionally nurturing, concerned with your happiness and well-being. And when you share your concerns with him, if he is abrupt with you, or if he laughs off your uneasiness, you need to take a step backward and reconsider whether or not this man meets your basic requirements.

If, however, he truly listens and is willing to adjust his behavior in your favor, continue to explore the possibilities with him, seeing how well you and he match. This does not necessarily mean that he must cut off all contact with his former partner, but whatever contact he does have with her must be within your comfort zone. Keep in mind that in a marriage, there will be many occasions when you need him to really hear you and to care about your happiness. The bottom line is: Would you be willing to live the rest of your life with someone who responds as he does?

Sandra Rohr M.A.  |  www.wellspringscoaching.com
sandy@wellspringscoaching  |   714.774.8540

Marcia responds ...

It's okay that you don't want to share this man who could be "the one" with his former lover. These are your emotional boundaries and your feelings, and it's your right and responsibility to determine what is or isn't acceptable for you. It doesn't matter if being friends with an ex is
socially acceptable or not. What matters is that their ongoing
relationship, such as it is, bothers you. Own that feeling and own your
right to feel it. Listen to what your gut instinct is trying to tell you.  Trust that if you smell a rat, there probably is a rat.

Stay keenly aware that you "just met" him, yet you feel he could be "the one." That irresistible desire to think a near-stranger could be Mr. Right is a big warning flag that you are under the spell of infatuation. Continue moving slowly. State your boundaries to him by letting him know that his constant contact with his ex bothers you. If he refuses to let go of her, then value yourself enough to leave him. Believe you're worthy of being the only lover in a man's life. If he treasures his new romance with you enough to move on from the ex, he's moved one step closer to proving he really is the fantastic guy you think he is.

Marcia Augustine 
marcia.augustine@dairemount.com  |  770.499.8932
 

Can You Revive Lost Feelings? 
by Randy Hurlburt

Recently a friend asked me, "Is it possible to revive lost feelings?" And my answer was, It depends. Since many other people have also wondered if love can be revived, its worth considering the possibilities.

First, we must be clear about the kind of feelings we are talking about, because the feeling of being "in love" changes over time in a relationship.

Infatuation occurs in the beginning during the "Romance" stage when you don't really know the other person, are fantasizing/projecting, and the hormones are raging. This stage lasts 3 months at most.

Then there is the Power Struggle stage where the couple is learning about the reality of each other and negotiating boundaries. Losing the initial rush of infatuation can be a concern, but is less so if you understand all this and have realistic expectations. People make poor choices when they don't understand and have unrealistic expectations.

In the "Conscious Relationship" stage the feelings are more comfortable and less intense than in the Romance stage, and includes feelings of bonding and well-being. Happy couples that have been together a long time feel a blissful combination of excitement and contentment by just being in each other's presence.

Now back to the question of whether feelings can be revived:

Scenario #1  Are the Feelings True Feelings?

If the feelings are the true feelings of the Conscious Relationship stage, if they were strong, and if they were lost because one or the other partner was emotionally immature, then the answer is "Yes, the feelings can be revived if they are both willing to work on those immaturities."

Scenario #2  Are the Feelings a Result of Infatuation?

If the feelings were a result of infatuation, then the answer is No, they cannot be revived.

Scenario #3  Is it a Mix of True Feelings and Infatuation?

There is a confusing middle ground where infatuation has worn off, and the true feelings of the Conscious Relationship stage are good, but not as strong as one or the other partner would like. In this scenario, both individuals must seriously assess their requirements, needs, and wants. Then they will be able to consciously decide if they can accept such a compromise. If so, they also must work to overcome the immaturities that could keep them from enjoying this level of love.

In the real world of relationships, all three of the above scenarios can be found with great regularity. The problem is how to decide which one applies to your own situation. The best way to find out is for both partners to take the Romantic Attraction Questionnaire and the Emotional Maturity Questionnaire developed by my collaborating psychologist Harold Bessell, Ph.D. These questionnaires measure the degree of true feelings (Conscious chemistry) and the degree of willingness/ability to work at a relationship (emotional maturity).

In situations involving reviving old feelings I think the Serenity Prayer is very applicable:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

In situation #1 (strong conscious chemistry), it takes a lot of courage to face ones fears and immaturities in order to revive old feelings.

In situation #2 (infatuation), there is no real choice but to accept that they cannot be revived (and move on).

In situation #3 (mixed feelings), you must have real wisdom to know if you can truly live with the necessary compromises, and then constructively work to create a good love relationship.

I think many relationships fail just at the point where they could succeed if only the partners had more insight (the wisdom to know the difference), and more patience.

In the situation with my friend, the relationship had lasted for 3 ½ years. She wanted it to continue, but he wasnt sure. He said he still felt "warm" towards her, but not like it was at the beginning. He displayed a variety of signs of immaturity, such as failure to call when he promised, missing dates, making her wait, disappearing, etc. Also, after 3 1/2 years he may have been feeling an internal pressure to decide "yes or no" about this relationship. Given his immaturities and inexperience, this may have been causing a lot of anxiety and it was easier for him to run away than to stay and face the very real difficulties of a more serious relationship.

All-in-all he did not treat her well, and this caused her pain. She wanted to know if love could be revived. I said it depends, and explained the three possibilities outlined above. To me it looked like she was probably up against situation #3 (mixed feelings). It would not be easy for him to grow up, and there was no guarantee he would. Neither would it had been easy for her to deal with the continuing pain (she would have had to grow also).

To get to the conscious relationship stage, couples must navigate the infatuation and the power struggle stages. Insight (and patience) will help.

Copyright 2005, Randy Hurlburt

Randy Hurlburt  |  www.loveisnotagame.com
randy@loveisnotagame.com  |  1-877-MAGIC-04 (toll free)

Randy is an RCI relationship coach, speaker, and author of Love Is Not A Game (But You Should Know The Odds). His book is a finalist for Best Psychology/Self-Help Book in the Benjamin Franklin 2005 Awards that was presented in June in New York. Love Is Not A Game is about why good love (and good sex) are so hard to find, and includes tools to measure romantic chemistry and emotional maturity.

Im Upset: Say It With High EQ
by Linda A. Marshall, M.Div.
Director, RCI Couples Programs

It takes a lot of emotional intelligence (EQ) to communicate with maturity when you are upset.  I will outline a skill, below, that you can use to communicate with EQ.  It will involve being vulnerable and laying down your defenses. 

Defenses are the source of the conflict we experience in all our relationships.  Our defenses protect us by saying, Im right!  My way is the best!  I know what is best!  Listen to me!  We are then communicating from our Critic State.  Or I want what I want when I want it!  Or Im scared, so Im going to lay low.  We are then in our Child State.  When we are coming from these positions, we are demonstrating low EQ.  We are putting up walls between us and the other person. Sometimes we love that other person very much, and the loving energy cannot flow between us when we protect ourselves in these ways.  So we need to take some steps to communicate without our defenses, demonstrating high EQ.  Then we will be in our Adult State.  That is the only part of us that can communicate effectively.

Step #1:  Talk with someone you trust to be objective and find out whether you are in your critic or child states.  If you are, talk it through with this third party (a relationship coach is a great third party) until your critic/child begins to fade and your adult self comes forth.

Step #2:  Ask for an appointment with the person to communicate your upset.  There are five steps to asking for this appointment:

Get their attention:  I have something important to talk with you about.

Give them advanced warning so they can get in their adult state:

 I need to talk with you about how your behavior is impacting me.

Limit what you say so as not to overwhelm them:

It will only take me 5 minutes…10 minutes maximum.

Tell them how you want them to listen:

I just need you to listen to understand my feelings. 

Ascertain their willingness to listen:

Are you willing to listen?

If they say, Yes, you are free to proceed.  If they say, No, then you will need to muster all your EQ and refrain from saying anything further.  They are not ready to listen.  If they are willing to listen, you can go on to Step 3.

Step #3:  Communicate your message effectively covering these five areas:

Facts:  The facts relate to our senses…seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touch.  We often try to make our interpretations the facts.  You may need coaching to get to the facts.
 

What I saw you do / heard you say /smelled / tasted / felt with my skin is…

Thoughts:  Now we can share our interpretations, story, meanings.  We usually make it mean that they dont care about us or value what we value.

And the story I made up about that is… OR What I make that mean is…

Feelings:  Our thoughts generate feelings.  We think it is the other persons behavior that is causing us to feel what we feel.  But, it is really our thoughts.  It is best to choose from primary feelings (angry, sad, scared, hurt, disappointed, pain) and always when we are angry to name the vulnerable feelings under the anger.
 

And so I feel…

Need:  When we are upset, it is usually because we have a need that isnt being met.  And the need is usually related to the thought.  If we think they dont care, we need them to care.  If we think they dont value what we value, we need them to value what we value.
 

What I need from you is…

Request:  We have a very high EQ when we make requests.  Complaints are medium EQ.  Criticism is very low EQ and has no place in a loving relationship.  Our request needs to relate to the behavior we didnt like stated under Facts.  And it needs to be PMS…Positive, Measurable, and Specific.
 

And so I am asking you to…

Linda A. Marshall, M.Div.
www.radiantrelating.com
937.684.2245

Linda is the Director of Couples Programs for the Relationship Coaching Institute, where she trains coaches in the facilitation of this skill.  In her private practice, she coaches couples who desire to take their relationship to the next level.
 

An old Navajo was telling his grandson about the fight that is going on inside himself. He said it is between two wolves: one is evil (anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, superiority, etc) and the other is good (joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, etc).

The grandson thought about it and asked, "Which wolf wins?"

The simple reply, "The one I feed."
 

RCI recently completed a seminar series called "The Miracle of Connection" with Hedy Schleifer that is now available by recording, F`REE to our subscribers:

Program #1: Growing our Passion
Program #2: Embracing our Differences
Program #3: Achieving Fulfillment

To listen to the audio or download the MP3 files, simply register at www.miracleofconnection.com

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