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Knowledge Bank August, 2005
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
Deb responds I have some questions for you. When you have answered these questions fully and honestly, you will know what to do.
Follow your heart. Let go of your hurt and judgment of her for keeping this terrible truth from you. If you were the man you truly admire, what would you do?
Michelle responds … I can understand how upsetting - on both levels - this news must be to you. First, you have begun to care deeply about someone who has a serious disease. Second, you feel that she has not been honest with you, which affects the trust level of any relationship and begins a questioning of motives and honesty in other areas. My question to you would be: are you sure she wasn't being honest? Or, was she protecting herself (which she needed to do) and you? Someone who has had a disease or injury for any length of time has often gone through much rejection from friends and family as they found out about it or grew weary of dealing with it. It may be that she was protecting herself from possible anticipated rejection from you due to knowledge of the disease. Or, that she felt it was not necessary for you to know this before now as you were beginning your relationship - in case it was a recreational dating relationship. Or, she may not have felt the level of trust from you that she needed to be able to share this intimate, and possibly devastating, detail of her life until you had reached a level of intimacy in your relationship. While it could have been helpful to you to know this before your time of intimacy, the question for you now is: how do you HONESTLY feel about her and this information and are you going to be there to support her through her treatments and all that is involved, or would you be too uncomfortable and unable to do this, and thus, need to end the relationship at this point? I would encourage you to be very honest with her and listen to her reasons for not sharing this with you before. My prayers are with you both.
Sandra responds ... In getting to know another person, it is always possible that issues may not be revealed—simply because they didn’t come up, or because they are relatively unimportant. Cancer, however, is a major issue. Several questions arise regarding this matter: First, what kind of cancer does she have, and what is the prognosis? If it’s a minor, non-lethal skin cancer, that may be one thing; if, however, it’s a major cancer that potentially could be lethal, that’s an altogether different matter. Then I must ask just how she was able to keep this from you; cancer treatment (I am assuming that she has been in treatment) is notoriously difficult—both to endure and to conceal. Either you and she have spent very little time together, or you are unbelievably unobservant. Neither answer speaks well for the outcome of this relationship. As I see it, there are major issues of trust here: the first is whether or not you can trust her to be fully open and honest with you; as you rightly pointed out, the next logical question is what else she might be keeping from you currently and what else she might be likely to keep from you in future. Then there’s the matter of her sense of trust in you. Why has she felt unable to share this with you? Is it a lack in her, or has she sensed that she dare not trust you with this information? Again, neither answer speaks well for the outcome of the relationship. Finally, the bottom line is how you feel about this issue. No matter what the answer to the above questions might be, no matter how much you might feel as though you have abandoned her, if your heart is not in this relationship 100%, you owe it both to her and to yourself to bow out. Marriage is challenging enough when entered into whole-heartedly on both sides; it is impossible when either party is holding back. It seems to me that neither of you is in a position to continue with this relationship.
Marcia responds ... You waited to become intimate so you could both be on the "same page," yet she still didn't reveal her illness to you prior to the physical side of your relationship deepening. Disregard everything else you said in the first paragraph of your letter, as none of that matters. In your second paragraph you emphasize the importance of honesty as part of the foundation of a lasting relationship. Your girlfriend, however, does not. She spent over eight months lying to you "by omission" while allowing your feelings for her to grow, probably in hopes that your deepened feelings would stop you from rejecting her for having cancer. Don't let mere memories of "great times together" cloud your vision of what constitutes a loving, lasting foundation for a future relationship. Intimate relationships are complex enough without your having to build yours upon a lie and call yourself "Confused" about it. Don't abandon your standards or yourself for her sake. You're not abandoning her because she's ill. The relationship didn't work out because she was deceitful and manipulative, and you're moving on to someone who isn't.
Secrets, Communication, and Trustby Dinah S. Temple If you think you know your mate better than anyone, you could be living an illusion. You may be living with someone who holds their true feelings and secrets close to their vest, afraid or unwilling to reveal them to you. Someone you love may be secretly struggling with important and life changing issues. The possible reasons why your partner may not share these issues with you are many. They may feel that talking to you about what is bothering them will bring forth rejection or worse, invalidation. No one wants to hear that his or her concerns are silly and groundless. Your partner needs to know that no matter what they may reveal to you, you will be in their corner. Mutual communication, the giving and receiving of support, as well as continuous trust building, are essential components in any relationship. Communicating important issues to a mate is not always a request for a solution from you. It is a silent request for you to hear your partner out and act as a non-judgmental sounding board from which they can reach their own solutions. You may then suggest the pros and cons of alternative solutions and together, you can reach a beneficial resolution. Recognizing your partner’s need to get something off their chest is key. If you suspect your mate is struggling with a problem, look for the following signs:
If you witness any of these signs of trouble, begin to diligently, but gently, uncover the reasons by talking and listening to your partner. Assure them that you can slay any dragon if you do it together.
Relationships and the Human Brainby Caroline Minto Let’s face it, we begin relationships with the firm intention of being honest, that we will talk things through and have no secrets from one another. One of the first presenting statements a client in divorce will make is, “we have never been able to communicate!”, “he has never understood what I am saying”, “he never listens”...”she always twists my words”. So when does this sad transformation take place? In those heady early days when we decide we are so close that we understand each other without words? Rather like the prenuptial financial agreement which has made the discussion of money so much more acceptable, we need the ability to openly discuss requirements, likes, needs and desires, and to do it with humor and sensitivity towards the one we love. Wonderfully, we often find that saying the unsay-able is as easy as falling off a log, and the result is like a swim in a millpond! A great deal is talked about EQ (emotional quotient/intelligence), but for me I prefer Whole Brain Thinking, and to exercise this we need to understand the parts that must come to work together, not fighting like rats in a sack, or more sadly, like partners in distress. The parts of that wonderful whole brain are these: the Reptilian Brain, the Emotional Brain and the Cerebral Cortex. The ancient Reptilian Brain is estimated to be 100 million years old. It served us well when Dinosaurs existed, when we weaved through the jungle needing to ask but three questions. Can I eat it? Will it hurt me? and, Can I have sex with it? This is the home of the adrenalin rush that says “shall I fight or take flight?” Interestingly, it is the part of the brain that young people excite when listening to loud repetitive music. Next, about 50 million years ago, the Emotional Brain, also referred to as the Limbic System, neatly wrapped itself around the reptilian brain. This is the part we share with animals, giving us such affinity that we have no doubt, whatsoever, that they understand every word. We know the Reptilian Brain functions in an instant. We are talking about an electrical synaptic function that operates at the speed of light. We have learned enough to know we must quell that instant response, but how many of us are prepared to recognize that the Limbic System springs in to action not far behind, and 80,000 times faster than the Cerebral Cortex? It is within the emotional brain where memory is laid down and our responses to things are so often based on previous experience of something similar. Language is based here, and that has been around for only 200,000 years. Consider how, under stress and crisis, the language that pours forth can so easily descend to the expletive, that we are hardly in the position to search the dictionary or the thesaurus! Finally, we turn to our ‘grey matter’, also known as Eminence Grise, the medieval term for Cardinals who were wise and grey haired! The Cerebral Cortex is a mere 1 1/2 million years old. This is where dry reasoned argument is born. Here resides our ability to visualize; to see consequences, and to rationalize. (Notice that the reptilian and limbic brains don’t give a damn!) In fact, Emotional Intelligence, that much valued commodity, is the result of a good relationship between all the parts! The Reptilian brain will assume things; the Emotional brain functions at a rate 80,000 times faster than the Neocortex and, if we remember that language also resides here in the Limbic system, we recognize how invested in emotion all our human interactions must necessarily be! This is where and WHY we must recognize how we FEEL at any given moment, and then DECIDE how we are going to THINK and ACT. We only use between 5-10% of the brain, and, again, mainly for language. With a little bit of understanding and practice we can set these elements to work for us and transform everyday life from a stressful chapter of accidental incidents, to an effortless flow of orchestrated inspiration! Where better to use this vital knowledge than in our most important close relationships?
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