 |
||
Knowledge Bank September, 2005
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
Alan responds … As you describe your situation, the two of you have a lot going for you. What you don't have, unfortunately, is any expression of commitment. You may disagree, but would you be so urgent to get married if you weren't pregnant? It appears that the baby is ringing those wedding bells, not your desire to be a committed couple. As a relationship coach, I have a bias for marriage. But, realistically, this pregnancy is an accident of biology, not proof of your commitment. Marrying for the sake of the baby will not guarantee a strong, lifelong marriage. The next six months will go by quickly. Let's separate your list into have-to's, need-to's, and want to's. The pregnancy is a fact; the delivery is a have-to. Being parents is no longer optional. Here is my suggested order of action items:
That you're even asking these questions is a positive sign. For many couples, their first purposeful decision is to get divorced. Best wishes for the many changes you will soon experience.
Caroline responds … First, congratulations for your new family life ahead! You have decided that you are right, and that marriage, family and new home are just to be set in place. For me, your commitment to all the naturally ‘stressful’ in the UESTRESS sense, not the Distress sense, could be marked by a simple and profound marriage commitment ceremony, involving only those others close to you who will support you in your many necessary swift changes! Your child will gain a deep sense of security when he or she comes to know that was your first step! Next, could you manage in your small space, while looking for the next home, not pressured to find it and move in before the baby arrives? The stress factors there are outside your control so often and if possible are better avoided. Classes of course are good, but more important is the time you can spend confirming your commitment to a communicating, loving and respectful relationship. Once you know the basics, time and effort which would have been spent on classes can be better used coming home to a little walk, putting your feet up, or practicing breathing and relaxation exercises. Enjoy, now and forever. My best wishes to you both.
Sandra responds ... First, congratulations both on your healthy relationship and on your upcoming parenthood! Babies are miraculous and affirm the goodness of life so that our hearts are opened to wondrous possibilities. Having said that, it does seem that you have gotten yourselves into somewhat of a time crunch. The primary consideration here is for your baby; he or she must be the central factor in your decision-making. Since you have only six months until your baby’s arrival, use that time well to prepare for this event. Here is my suggestion: First, get married. Second, take all the classes you mentioned. Put your house search on hold; your baby will fit him- or herself into your tiny space. I suspect that when you speak of marriage, you are thinking of a big affair, which is costly, time-consuming, and exhausting. Forgo the large wedding and have a lovely, intimate wedding with just a few friends and family; follow that with a wonderful honeymoon. While it is no longer considered shameful to have a baby without the wedding bells, being married does send a loud, clear message to the world that you and your partner are committed to each other and, by extension, to your baby. And not inconsiderable are the civil rights and obligations that are automatically conferred by having that “little piece of paper.” (For a more complete examination of the benefits of marriage, I suggest that you read The Case for Marriage by Waite and Gallagher.) After your baby is born and you and your wife have adjusted to parenthood, you can devote time to finding a house. Then, in your new home, have a large party to celebrate your wedding, your new baby, and your new home. Whatever you decide, I commend you for being thoughtful, caring partners and soon, new parents! Your baby is fortunate to have you and your fiancée for parents!
Marcia responds ... Congratulations! It's not unusual to have several major life events take place simultaneously. As you're discovering, however, the experience can feel overwhelming. You can get a handle on your new life by prioritizing. If your efficiency won't accommodate a nursery, start house-hunting on weekends or over the internet and see how the time parameters play out. If you believe it's important for you and your spouse to be married at the time of your child's birth, plan a small simple wedding, or go to a Justice of the Peace and have a celebration dinner with your immediate families afterward. Sign up now for pregnancy and delivery classes. Parenting and marriage education classes may have to wait, but your parents might enjoy having you and your new bride ask their advice on child care and marriage. A longer commute will indeed be an adjustment, particularly in light of your new addition, but perhaps one of you can work part-time so you can spend less time commuting and more time with the baby. Don't create stress by trying to do too much in too big of a way all at once. Simplify, and take time to enjoy the wonderful changes taking place in your life.
Ken and Carol respond ... First, we want to affirm you both for your positive attitude in all of this. The fact that you are able to be happy about the baby, even though he or she is a surprise, and that you are willing to take classes in marriage and parenting says a great deal about both of you. As to the order of things, the most important of the three things are the marriage classes. Few of us are taught how to really nurture and build a relationship and how much work that takes. If you learn to nurture and grow your relationship, you will also have taken a great step toward being good parents, as well. A good marriage may be the greatest gift parents can give their children.. After that, we suggest parenting classes, marriage, and house, in that order. Delaying the marriage will allow you to plan your wedding, if you want to have a traditional wedding with family and friends. Taking the parenting classes before the baby comes or soon thereafter will allow you to prepare to be great parents. The apartment will be a little tighter with the crib, but while the baby is small and not crawling, it should not be too great a problem. You can be looking for a house while you plan your wedding, too. Finding a house and moving now could add unneeded stress to your lives. The only reason for moving marriage to the top of the list would be social stigma from family and friends, or if you need medical coverage or something that you can only get by being married. As a priest once said to us, "if you are not married when you go up the aisle, you are not married when you come down the aisle." Either you have made a commitment to one another or you have not. The ceremony is just the public celebration of a private commitment. However, if it would cause you great shame or discomfort to have the baby while unmarried, marry first--even if you do a civil ceremony and then plan the big day. Good luck.
How to Reconnect with Your MateBy Dinah S. Temple
Believe it or not, getting to really know a person can take half of a lifetime. It’s important that you never stop learning about your partner because he or she is changing all of the time. Your partner is changing because life events provide lessons for him or her to learn on a continuous basis. Whether good or bad, these events and the lessons learned from them help to shape the mind, body and soul of the person your partner is today. It’s true that after some time, all relationships tend to settle in to become safe, familiar and routine. Unfortunately, this is usually the point in relationships at which couples usually slow down their efforts to communicate and learn about one another. The gifts that life and love have to offer are often taken for granted and go unnoticed. Communication and what you learn about your mate can be stimulating, enlightening, intriguing, humorous and comforting. Learning about your partner is something that takes little effort and can be done every day. Your relationship is worth it. The effects of a healthy, happy relationship spread out into all areas of your life. You are both happier at work, happier with your children and anyone else with whom you come into contact. Life is good! Reconnect with your mate today Here is a sampling of questions you can use to get the reconnection started.
|
||
