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Knowledge Bank October, 2005
ASK OUR COACHESThis column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.
Mike responds … How about letting your relatives know that you value their input, just as you value the input of the five or eight other experts you consult? Also, you might let them know that you ponder all their perspectives regularly, creating your own custom perspective that you sense is best for your unique kids. Make it clear that NONE of the experts would think you're doing it perfectly right (because you're tweaking the information from everyone) so your relatives are experiencing the same "frustration reaction" that all the experts would have. Then, whenever you DO do something they have suggested, make sure you let them know. It will make them feel appreciated and listened to (which is one of the biggest things for grandparents anyway, isn't it?) By the way, it sounds like, though you say you and your siblings all turned out "right," which sounds like their strategies WERE good, you're departing from those successful strategies. Do you have reasons for those departures? How about assembling a "mastermind group" of successful parents (multiple generations) with whom you might meet monthly or quarterly to gain perspective? Welcome to a problem that has been with society ever since there have been generations, and good luck! Remember this ... God loves them about a billion times more than we ever can. Hopefully, He's got a hand in things long term and for their best interest.
Nan responds … It’s wonderful to see parents who take their parenting responsibilities so seriously. Since you, your husband and your siblings have all turned out well, presumably your parents took their parenting duties seriously, too. Your parents need to feel needed and included. It’s hard to turn off that parental habit when young children are around. Perhaps they feel you are being critical of their style when you ignore their modeling or their feedback, and they may feel just as defensive as you do. It might not hurt to solicit their input on occasion, so they don’t feel left out. If they were involved parents, it’s only natural they would want to be involved grandparents too. When you get unsolicited advice, let them know you haven’t ignored their lessons from your up-bringing, and that you have incorporated the best of all you learned from them into raising your own children. Let them know you recognize and are grateful for the wonderful parenting models they were to you and your siblings. When you sense a critical undertone, ask for clarification. Tell them you sense they are not pleased with your parenting decision, and ask what bothers them about it. Remind them that each generation of children faces difficulties that are far different and complex from those of their grandparents’ and even their parents’ generations (I’m sure your parents would agree), because of advanced technologies, multi-culturalism, expanding populations, expanding education programs, deteriorating social programs, changing economics, increased societal violence, etc. Because of these differences, you’ve had to make parenting decisions based on the skills base you inherited / learned from them, in addition to learning current parenting techniques to provide your kids with specific skills they’ll need to cope with today’s challenges. Ask your parents if they experienced parenting advice / criticism from their parents and/or grandparents, how they felt about it, and how they dealt with it. Thank your parents for their interest in wanting to help, let them know that while you appreciate their comments and suggestions, you will take them under advisement, and that, just as they did when they parented you, the two of you will make your own decisions given the resources and skills that you have at hand. Remind them that they taught you both to be accountable for your own decisions, and that’s exactly what you are doing now. It would probably be most comfortable for everyone if you talk privately to your mother and your husband talk to his father.
Janice responds ... You are to be commended for working together to raise your children. Using a team approach has great advantages that will benefit your children, not only as they grow and develop into independent individuals, but when they are adults looking for a life partner. They will use your relationship as a "template" for a successful relationship. I suggest that you tell your many critics that you and your husband are working as a team, and have made your parenting and discipline decisions together. I really don't think that you owe your critics any more information to substantiate your approach to parenting your children. I'd thank them for their concerns, and if they offer any semblance of reasonable advice, let them know that you will speak with your partner-in-parenting, and make a decision together about implementing it. I know firsthand that parenting is an awesome and challenging task! But I have found that the more consistent you are in promoting your parenting techniques as being made together, and your children do demonstrate good character traits as a result, your critics' comments will eventually cease. Good luck!
Seven Secrets of Successful Couplepreneurs™By Jean R. Charles “Couplepreneurs” are any two persons living together in a committed relationship and also running a business together. Partnership at home and in business is not only doubly challenging, but also exponentially more complicated than being partners in only one of these endeavors. Couples who want to be peacefully prosperous Couplepreneurs should learn the following “secrets” discovered by many other Successful Couplepreneurs. #1 Have a clear shared vision of your ideal business and relationship with an integrated plan to have both Partners must connect and openly share their expectations for their planned business and its impact on their relationship. Ideally, partners will always be on the same wavelength. Realistically, they may start out with different goals and desires related to the business, and/or as the business and family circumstances change, their dreams may diverge. Successful Couplepreneurs review plans regularly and look for creative alternatives that honor both partners’ visions. #2 Honor each other’s values Values are the principles and beliefs that guide decisions, attitudes, and behaviors. Presumably, couples have similar values since they are sharing a life. However, when life partners team up in business they may become aware of some previously unknown aspects of their partner’s value system. Values about money, work ethic, integrity, authority and responsibility may become much more significant when sharing both personal and business lives. Successful Couplepreneurs honor each other’s values at home and in business. #3 Communicate and negotiate to effectively resolve conflicts When partners understand and manage their preferred communication styles, their relationship and business both benefit. When they support each other’s natural problem solving process, conflicts are resolved more effectively. Through experience, they have learned what works for each partner – whether one needs to retreat, be reassured, blow off steam, etc. They know that it is important not to judge each other for reacting differently to conflict. They focus their anger and frustration on the problem and not on each other. Successful Couplepreneurs solve conflicts together by creatively implementing a joint solution. #4 Agree on levels of financial risk Risk tolerance is based on beliefs about money and security. Partners need to examine their money beliefs and know what each partner is willing to risk to make the business grow. The more risk-tolerant partner must agree not to exceed the level acceptable to the more conservative partner. When the less risk-tolerant partner feels that his/her boundary is being respected, he/she will become more flexible within that boundary. Successful Couplepreneurs know where the line is that each will not cross. #5 Capitalize on the differences A major reason to team up in business with your life partner is to bring in a different perspective from someone you already trust. Successful couplepreneurs not only tolerate their differences but make the most of them. It is said that in love, opposites attract – and differing skills and ideas often make for the best business partnerships. Successful Couplepreneurs attempt to assign business roles according to strengths, skills, and styles. They figure out right at the start who is going to be in charge of what--and then stay out of each other's way. #6 Present a united front and function as a team Successful Couplepreneurs resolve conflicts in private and do not allow others to play one of them against the other. In public they collaborate and support each other’s positions. In the book Working Together, Frank and Sharan Barnett introduce the concept of “wegos”. A wego combines the individual egos into a force that focuses on the relationship and the enterprise instead of one’s self. Successful Couplepreneurs leave their egos at the door to their business and assume their wegos. #7 The relationship and family come before the business A strong partnership and happy home are a practical necessity--a kind of insurance policy against the slings and arrows of business life. Successful Couplepreneurs set the boundaries around work and family that are necessary to ensure that they keep their relationship healthy and strong. They do not let the business become an obsession. They carve out separate and distinct times to relax and have fun together (and with the kids, if any), even if it's only for a few hours a week. Building a business with a life partner is a great opportunity to grow professionally and personally, and doesn’t have to be a struggle. In fact, the commitment to each other and having common goals produces a synergy that can enhance the business, making it more successful because they are “in it together”.
© 2005 by PartnersInLife.org. All rights reserved. Adult Children of Divorce: Challenges and OpportunitiesBy Kenneth Sprang, MA, JD As you may know, the divorce rate continues to hover around fifty percent, where it has been now for some time. If half of marriages end in divorce today, it is likely that you, like me, are ACD- an Adult Child of Divorce. How has our parents' divorce affected us and our own quest for love and happiness? My parents were divorced when I was three. From childhood I vowed not to be one of the fifty percent- I was going to succeed where they had "failed." Yet, I too, became a statistic when my first marriage of 25 years came to an end, despite valiant attempts by my first wife and me to save it. So now, my adult children, too, have joined the ranks of ACD's. Much has been written about the effect of divorce on children. However, very little research has been done on the impact of divorce on adults and the challenges of ACD's in general. A recent study at the University of New Orleans sheds some of the long awaited light. Among the findings of the study, is that for ACD's intimacy, trust, commitment, loyalty and passion are more complex issues than for children of intact families. For example, many of us crave the intimacy, yet female ACD's tend to experience more relationship conflict and to have an increased number of sexual partners than those from intact families, though the same is not true for men. There is some suggestion that in our quest for the intimacy we may confuse casual sexual relationships with emotional intimacy. We also have a tendency to get into relationships or marriage at a young age or to seek to fulfill our emotional needs in relationships that are not healthy. ACD's also demonstrate an overall lack of trust with regard to intimate relationships and marriage. Sadly, many of us expect our marriages to fail, at least unconsciously, and we may even sabotage our intimate relationships because of a fear of rejection and lack of trust. Ironically, while we long for affection, seeking the affection which we did not see or experience at home, we may withdraw emotionally from our partners, repeating a coping mechanism learned in childhood. The option of cohabitation and availability of divorce as an option also affects our attitude toward marriage. Adult children of divorce are more likely to prefer cohabitation to marriage or to say they do not want to marry in the future. Yet we ACD's are more likely to put ourselves in situations that promote marriage, such as cohabitation. The most significant finding of the study is that ACD's are much more concerned with intimacy and loyalty as well as passion in relationships than are adults from intact families. Consequently, our expectations are sometimes unrealistic. We did not see a good marriage model, so we have created one in our imagination. The picture may be lovely, but it is not necessarily realistic. On the other hand, the study found that ACD's often demonstrate residual strength and maturity and empathy for others borne of their family divorce experience. As Winston Churchill observed, "The farther back you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see." Armed with that awareness and our residual strength, we can begin to change our patterns and create a new vision, to live our lives differently. Divorce is a terrible, painful thing. Yet I know that sometimes it is the only available resolution to a relationship in conflict. Perhaps with growing knowledge and understanding of some of the vulnerabilities that challenge us as adult children of divorce, we can move forward and experience healing. Perhaps we can even begin to reverse the divorce statistic.
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