November 2005

In this issue:

Ask Our Coaches: Spending Time with an Opposite Sex Friend
Feature Article: Solving Problems "In the Crease"
Words of Wisdom
Bonus Article: A Relationship Code of Honor
Free Conscious Relationship Programs
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Welcome!
This newsletter is designed especially for YOU if:

You have met someone and are wondering if s/he is the "Love of Your Life"
You are about to get married and want to co-create a fulfilling life partnership
You have a good relationship and want to make it great!

Ask Our Coaches: Spending Time with an Opposite Sex Friend

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Linda@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

Dear Coaches,

My girlfriend and I stumbled on the following potential area of conflict within our relationship. Is it appropriate to spend time, one on one, with a friend of the opposite sex if you are married? We both agree that it is sometimes unavoidable as in a business setting, but even then, it can be minimized. Our question pertains to spending time together socially. What do you think?

Bill from Benton Harbor

Sandy responds …

I’m delighted that you and your girlfriend are able to talk about such a difficult subject. Congratulations on doing this work now, rather than waiting until after marriage.

This is a touchy subject. On one hand, it is possible to have friends of both genders who greatly enrich our lives, and it would be a shame to lose these friendships. On the other hand, there is always the possibility that a simple friendship can escalate to far more, particularly if the friend was a former lover, thereby jeopardizing your relationship. Here are several tests to apply to help you determine whether or not there is a potential problem:

Are you able to tell each other freely that you met, or will meet, with the friend? Any reluctance to share this information is a caution light.
How often are the meetings taking place? If they are frequent (you must define frequent), there could be an issue.
How long do the meetings last? An hour for lunch or coffee is far different from a lengthy meeting.
Where do they take place? Public places are the best choice, with each person arriving and leaving, separately.
Perhaps most important to consider -- what is your gut feeling about this subject? Has your partner ever given you reason for distrust? Is your relationship cooling off as they seem to be meeting more, and more frequently?

The bottom line is for you and your partner to be in agreement on this issue. The comfort and security of each partner is paramount, and you each should promise to “forsake all others” in favor of the one.

Sandra Rohr, M.A. | www.wellspringscoaching.com
sandy@wellspringscoaching | 714.774.8540

Peter responds …

"Stumbling" on issues is part of working a relationship and allowing a relationship to "work" you, as you both move toward a healthier, more loving partnership.

So, you both might want to dialogue about (1) what each experiences mentally in terms of self-image, thoughts, beliefs, and judgments about your self and your partner, and (2) what each experiences in term of feelings and emotions around the question of your partner's spending time with a person of the opposite sex.

On one hand, you may experience thoughts and feelings around abandonment, fear, jealousy, uneasiness, mistrust, helplessness, or inadequacy, directed at yourself, or your partner or toward your partner's friend(s). On the other hand, you may simply say, "Who cares?" as you live the life of a loner, or as an uncaring or uncommitted partner in your relationship.

Conscious consideration of what you both think and feel in this case can tell you a lot about yourself; in terms of the degree of commitment you have to your relationship, or to your requirements, wants and needs that define your relationship. In addition, it's effective to mutually explore how trusting, safe, open and honest each of you is with each other about the idea of spending time with your friends. For example, exploring what being with a friend of the opposite sex "gets" you, and how your partner responds to that.

There's no right and wrong here. The heart of the matter is to be mutually honest and up front with one another about the real or potential mental, physical, and emotional benefits and consequences, that accrue from spending time socially with the opposite sex and how such relationships might affect your partnership.

Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D., C.P.C. | 770.804.9125
pvajda@spiritheart.net

Top

Feature Article

Exciting and Successful Relationships Solve Problems “In the Crease”

By Randy Hurlburt

The "crease" is that narrow seam between all these barriers where you can make some degree of progress. She can't open up without a commitment, and he can't make a commitment unless she opens up. Can they find a middle ground? It turns out that this is where most relationships grow;"in the crease."

Football season is here again, so I get to use a sports analogy. The guys will love it; the gals may have to seek male interpretation!

Improve your love relationships by solving problems “in the crease.” This football analogy helps you understand how to thread your way between your own fears and those of your partner to find interim solutions that work for you.

Maggie and Larry are in love. They've been dating for about six months. Maggie is shy and has been hurt in prior relationships, making it difficult for her to open up and express her feelings. Larry is insecure and needs her to be able to verbalize her emotions. He says that if she can't open her heart to him he cannot continue with the relationship. She says that if she doesn't have the time and comfort and security of knowing that he is committed to her, she can't open up to him.

So we have the classic Catch 22. She can't open up without a commitment, and he can't make a commitment unless she opens up. Can they find a middle ground? It turns out that this is where most relationships grow, "in the crease." It is that narrow seam between his barriers and hers -- where, possibly, they can move forward a little.

The football analogy is a good one. Suppose you are a running back and you want to score a touchdown. But between you and the goal line are your own teammates and also players from the opposing team. You can't run through your own players, and you can't run through your opponents either. So you try to find a "hole" between all the players to run through, and if the hole stretches out for five or ten yards you have found "the crease," i.e. that narrow seam where there are no players from either team to bump into.

More than likely you will be tackled before making a touchdown, but you will have progressed forward and you can get up and try again.

Your own players that block your path are like your own internal barriers, fears, limiting beliefs, preconceived notions, etc. The opposing players are like your partner's internal barriers, fears, limiting beliefs, preconceived notions, etc. The "crease" is that narrow seam between all these barriers where you can make some degree of progress. Some degree of progress probably does not mean a touchdown, and does not mean you won't feel hurt, but it does mean you can continue to build your relationship in a series of such "creases."

Maybe Larry can give Maggie six months. This is not forever, but it's more than nothing. Maybe Maggie can express herself in e-mails. This is not the same as in person, but it's a start. There are no doubt many other possible "interim solutions."

A lot depends on the degree of their romantic chemistry. If it's strong, they will, hopefully, keep trying. If not, they'll probably give up. Emotional maturity is important here also. The more emotionally mature a person is, the wider their degree of understanding, acceptance, and flexibility, making it easier to find common ground. If there is high chemistry and no common ground, it is a sure sign of immaturity.

Finding the crease is not easy. Both you and your partner will need to push yourselves and stretch your limits. A football player must put all his energy into finding the crease, running through it as far as he can, accepting the pain from the short gain, and getting up to try again. Relationships are very similar.

I am happy to say that Maggie and Larry have found the crease that allows their relationship to move forward. No doubt, there will be other situations that present themselves in the future, but again, the secret to making progress is to "find the crease."

Randy Hurlburt is a relationship coach, speaker, and author of Love Is Not A Game (But You Should Know The Odds). His book was a finalist for “Best Psychology/Self-Help Book” in the 2005 Benjamin Franklin Awards. Love Is Not A Game is about why good love (and good sex) are so hard to find, and includes tools to measure romantic chemistry and emotional maturity. Contact Randy at randy@loveisnotagame.com, at 1-877-MAGIC-04 (toll free) or through www.loveisnotagame.com.

Words of Wisdom

He who goes out of his house in search of happiness runs after a shadow.: -- Chinese Proverb
…the greatest act of love is to pay attention.: -- Diane Sawyer
But to see her was to love her, Love but her, and love her forever.: -- Robert Burns

Bonus Article

A Relationship Code of Honor

From Ken Donaldson and his Partners in Life Program Participants

If you’re in a relationship, this Code of Honor comes highly recommended. If you’re not in a relationship, then do this for yourself, your work, your friendships and future relationships.

A Code of Honor will give you reminders about what is truly important in your life, your relationship, your friendships, your work and in all areas of your life. It will help keep you on the path of your true purpose and mission.

Live each day to the fullest.
Reach for the stars and search for success daily.
Bring out the best in each other.
Turn towards each other and not away.
Accept what we can't change.
Compromise and change what we can in the most nurturing ways.
Be quality listeners.
Be always faithful, always trusting and always respectful.
Keep the "spice of life" alive with variety.
Always grow our love.
Don't go to sleep with unresolved anger.
Designate a safe time and place for shared talking and listening.
Go to bed together.
Weekly (at least!) dates.
Acknowledge each other before parting ways.
Address issues appropriately and timely.
Agree to resolve "old baggage" and take on no new baggage.
Stop, pay attention and listen actively.
Treat our relationship as sacred ground, a safe harbor and a security blanket to wear as we sail through life's ups and downs.
Keep all the relationship exits closed.
Help to heal each other's wounds from the past.
Remind ourselves everyday how fortunate we are to have found each other and never take each other for granted.
Touch. A lot! Discuss everything.
As much as possible, be positive and avoid negativity with each other.
Everyday, treat each other with kindness, love and caring.

Ken Donaldson, M.A., L.M.H.C. | www.REALationshipCoach.com
Ken@REALationshipCoach.com | 727.394.7325

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