December 2005

In this issue:

Ask Our Coaches: Is it fair for her to want a baby?
Feature Article: Listening: The Key to Communication
Words of Wisdom
Bonus Article: Validate Your Mate
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Linda Marshall
Director | Couples Programs
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Editor | Partners in Life Couples News
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Ask Our Coaches: Is it fair for her to want a baby now?

This column answers questions submitted by our readers. Submit your questions to Linda@RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com who will forward them to our coaches all over the world. Each issue, we'll publish a few answers from our RCI coaches.

Dear Coaches,

I’m married for the third time to a woman several years younger than I am. I have two wonderful children from my first marriage, who are now adults.

I was clear with my current wife, when we talked about getting married, that I did not want more children. She was "OK” with that. However, now, after five years of marriage, she wants to have a baby. I haven't changed my mind. This is causing a big rift between us and I fear she may leave me. I don't think it is fair for her to take this stance, now, when I was very clear with her from the beginning. I love her and don't want to lose her. What advice can you give me?

Noah from Nashville

Sandy responds …

I wish I had better news for you, but this is a tough one. If your wife yields to your determination not to have another child, will she feel forever unfulfilled? If you yield to her longing for a child, will you feel resentful and trapped?

This dilemma has nothing to do with fairness. I suspect that when you married, she really was fine with not having children. But now, her biological clock may have clicked in -- something over which she has no control. I would urge you to understand her feelings.

Unfortunately, the decision to have a child—or not—is not one for compromise. You can’t just try it to see how it works out. As you know, having a child is a commitment for life. So how do you handle this? The best way is with gentleness and compassion.

Clearly, you are both in pain. I would urge you to go, together, to see a relationship coach to seek help in communicating about this difficult situation. Ultimately, each of you must honor your own deepest needs, and if neither of you is able to freely, and whole-heartedly change your position, your relationship may have run its course. My best to you both.

Sandra Rohr, M.A. | www.wellspringscoaching.com
sandy@wellspringscoaching | 714.774.8540

Mike responds ...

It's time for relationship coaching, my friend. If she is willing to leave you for an as-yet-to-be-conceived child, your relationship is likely failing at meeting some deeper needs.

You’re right. It appears unfair that she is changing her position about having a child. This may be a symptom of deeper problems.

You say that you love her and don't want to lose her. How much do you love her? Do you love her enough to conceive and raise a child together?

I believe it’s imperative to seek out a third party to evaluate this situation. More than likely, there’s much more beneath the surface – more than has been articulated in your short query. Perhaps there might be something related to your two earlier marriages. Or, maybe there are some unfulfilled needs on your wife’s part. It is difficult to ascertain without knowing more.

My suggestion is for both of you to work with a skilled relationship coach. A coach will help you to uncover and articulate your challenges while, at the same time, help both of you to identify some useful strategies to solve the issue at hand.

Mike McCartney | www.SinglesOfFaith.com
Mike@SinglesOfFaith.Com

Top

Feature Article

Listening: The Key to Communication
By Mike and Vicke Christensen

Communication is the key to great relationships. I'll bet if you asked most people, they would say they are good communicators and great listeners. However, if that were true, we wouldn't have workplace conflict or relationship issues centering around communication.

I wish I had a dollar for every client who has said to me, "my boss just doesn't listen" or "my wife/husband doesn't know how to communicate." Poor communication between couples is the number one coaching issue we deal with in our practice.

It is a little known fact that 98% of good communication starts with our ability to listen. Effective listening is one of the most widely taught skills, yet, it is the one most often ignored. So, what does it mean to listen?

Effective listening means putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, trying to understand a different point of view before you make yourself understood. It means empathizing – identifying with the thoughts, feelings and attitudes of another person.

Why is this important?

#1 When someone listens to you, you feel valued.

#2 When you feel heard, you feel understood and secure. Trust begins to build.

#3 Effective listening strengthens the connection between two people.

There are three levels of listening, but we’ll focus on the two levels most often used:

Level I Listening: Our focus is on ourselves.

In Level I Listening, you listen to the words of the other person, but the focus is on what it means to you. The spotlight is on your thoughts, your feelings and your conclusions about yourself and others. In this position, most people are listening to defend, as opposed to listening to understand.

For example: You just heard your flight will be delayed and right away you wonder … what does that mean to me? Or your spouse says, ‘’You’re always late!” You reply, “I am not!”

Level II Listening: Our focus is on the other person.

In contrast, with Level II Listening, you are listening to understand, clarifying what you hear, noticing the other person’s body language and reading between the lines. You are unattached to your own agenda, your thoughts or your opinions. You are able to paraphrase accurately what the other person just communicated to you.

For example: Your wife says, “You're always late.” You say (knowing that your tardiness is a hot button), “I understand you expected me 30 minutes ago and that you’re irritated, but I got stuck on a conference call and couldn't call to let you know that I was running late. I know we are having dinner guests and you were counting on me. What can I do to help?”

Communicating in this way takes a bit more time and it means putting yourself in someone else's shoes, but the result is worth it. You've diffused what could have been a nasty fight.

Finally, let’s summarize the listening process:

#1 When we listen, we hear/feel what the other person is saying, feeling, and experiencing.

#2 When we listen, we let that person know that we heard and understand them.

#3 When we listen effectively, we are able to convey our thoughts and feelings in a way that both parties understand.

When we understand the importance of listening and the different levels of listening, we’re able to create better connections with others. Good listening is the foundation to effective negotiation, conflict resolution, and establishing intimacy with others. By developing an awareness of listening, and practicing these skills on a daily basis, we can benefit both our personal and professional relationships.

Mike & Vicke Christensen
Christensen Consulting & Coaching
www.Christensencc.com
Mike@christensencc.com
916-705-5573

Words of Wisdom

The body travels more easily than the mind, and until we have limbered up our imagination, we continue to think as though we had stayed home. We have not really budged a step until we take up residence in someone else’s point of view.: -- John Erskine
In love, the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two.: --Erich Fromm

Bonus Article

Validate Your Mate
By Dinah S. Temple

If you think you know your mate better than anyone else does, you might be mistaken. You may be living with someone who holds their true feelings and secrets close to the vest -- who is afraid or unwilling to reveal them to you. Someone you love may be secretly struggling with important and, possibly, life changing issues.

There could be many reasons why your partner may not share these issues with you. They may feel that talking to you about what is bothering them will bring forth rejection, or even worse, invalidation. No one wants to hear that his or her concerns are silly and groundless.

Your partner needs to know that no matter what they may reveal, you will be in their corner. Mutual communication, the giving and receiving of support, as well as continuous trust building are essential components in any relationship.

Communicating important issues to a mate is not always a request for a solution from you. Often, it is a silent request for you to hear your partner out and to act as a non-judgmental sounding board so they can reach their own conclusions. If the situation warrants it, you may suggest the pros and cons of alternatives, which might help in reaching a beneficial solution.

The key is to recognize your partner’s need to get something off their chest. If you suspect your mate is struggling with a problem, look for the following signs:

Frequently appearing distracted or deep in thought
Displaying abnormal behavior
Withdrawal from and lack of desire for intimacy
Lack of normal communication
Over-reacting to stressful situations
Exhibiting a disregard for the consequences of harmful behavior

If you witness any of these signs, begin to diligently, but gently, uncover the reasons by talking and listening to your partner. Assure him or her that you’re on their side and that you’ll provide them with all the understanding and support they need. Let them know that you can slay any dragon, if you do it together.

Dinah S. Temple, relationship Coach, author, and speaker. Author of “Picking Up the Pieces: A Guide to Recovery from Betrayal and a Broken Heart” www.mattersoflove.com

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